Q: I recognized a friend in a short video clip on an amateur pornography website. She is now a medical professional, wife and mother, and I doubt that she posted it. (Perhaps a former boyfriend did.) I think she would want to know it’s there, but I fear the effect on our friendship if I tell her. Maybe she’s better off not knowing: It is probably tough to get such a thing removed. Should I tell? — Name Withheld, New York
A: Your coming forward could embarrass you, upset your friend and threaten your friendship. Do it anyway. You yourself believe she would want to know about the video clip. The longer it is online, the greater the chances of its being seen by someone else who knows her. She can’t protect herself unless she knows the clip is out there.
It may well be tough to compel the site to remove this video clip, but your friend is entitled to try. Or she might want to take legal action against a treacherous ex or at least try to learn who posted the clip. Even if she has few alternatives, she has the right to act on them, something she can do only if she knows her situation.
A caution: Resist the temptation to alert her anonymously, an approach that may shield you but can leave her anxious and uncertain, fretting over who knows about this and the motives of her informant.
Q: A friend, retired military, works at a bookstore chain. A naval officer in uniform asked him if the Rosetta Stone CD language course was worth its roughly $300 price. My friend assured him it was and added that, as active military, this officer could download it free and gave him the website information. Had this conversation taken place at a bar, no problem, but was it proper at work? — Charles Windley, Norfolk, Va.
A: Bar or bookstore: As long as your friend wasn’t boozing on the job, he acted admirably. He owes his employer not high- pressure salesmanship but high-quality service, something that necessarily includes honest dealing. If the marketplace is an ethical institution (a debatable proposition, I concede), transparency is its necessary condition, an informed customer its essential actor. The bookstore can earn an honest dollar by selling Rosetta Stone to people who choose to buy it.
Send questions and comments for Randy Cohen to Universal Press Syndicate, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111, or ethicist@nytimes.com.
