TUCSON — Forget March Madness. Let’s talk March Badness.
Your office pool is more boring and predictable than a Kevin Costner chick flick. Be honest. You are going with powerhouses and will still lose to the guy who bases his picks on his favorite colors.
So before you lose $20 on the NCAA Tournament bracket, how about a quick refresher on what’s going wrong with your favorite baseball teams? You know, baseball. It’s the sport in which Jay Cutler received honorable mention all-state honors as a high school shortstop.
With apologies to David Letterman, presenting the top 10 signs your team’s season is in trouble:
10. Your fifth starter is hurt and overweight. (See the Mets’ Tim Redding.) Size can be overrated, but if an anticipated key contributor shows up to camp looking like a Jenny Craig dropout, it’s cause for concern.
9. Your rotation has more questions than an episode of “Jeopardy!” Anyone who can name the Padres’ or Orioles’ starting five gets a free ride on Shamu and crab cakes for life.
8. Your roster has more outfielders than Octomom has kids. The Nationals, we’re talking about you. Who put this roster together, Isiah Thomas?
7. Your second baseman is causing second thoughts. The St. Louis experiment with Skip Schumaker, a converted outfielder, is not going well. How good would Orlando Hudson look in red and white right now?
6. You’re the Marlins. This is a fun, young team that is hearing contraction whispers because of the slim hopes that a new stadium in Miami will ever be built.
5. You’re relying heavily on the return of a mysteriously disappearing slugger. If Travis Hafner doesn’t start hitting like Pedro Cerrano of “Major League,” the Indians are dead.
4. Your left fielder hurts himself jogging for a flyball. Good thing Manny Ramirez only has to pretend to play defense.
3. You’re depending on Alfonso Soriano and Kosuke Fukudome to end a 100-year World Series drought. Soriano is injury-prone, and Fukudome is lame-prone away from Wrigley Field.
2. Your young aces are poised to endure the “Verducci effect.” Sports Illustrated writer Tom Verducci has documented for a decade the negative impact of pitchers 25 and younger whose innings increase by 30 or more from one season to the next. Of the 24 he indentified from 2006 to 2008, only the Rockies’ Ubaldo Jimenez, last season, escaped without an injury or a decline in performance. The 2009 list for the “Verducci effect” includes Philadelphia’s Cole Hamels (elbow issues) and Boston’s Jon Lester. Hamels is unlikely to start opening day.
1. Your third baseman admits steroid use, bails on the World Baseball Classic and undergoes hip surgery. At least the Yankees have an out. If they don’t win the World Series, it clearly will be A-Rod cousin Yuri Sucart’s fault.
