Dear Margo: My wife and I have been married for 25 years. She is 60 and I am 63. For the first 20 years we had what I would call a very normal marriage. Plenty of sex and intimacy. About five years ago she announced she no longer had any desire to have sex. The closest we have come to intimacy since then is kissing when either of us leaves the house, and we hold hands when we go to sleep. There has been no sex or even touching in the last five years. Needless to say, I’ve become very frustrated and have had to take matters into my own hands, so to speak. I still have a very active libido and sexual desires. I tried to talk to her about this, but she is adamant about her lack of interest. I’m actually surprised I have managed to last this long without straying, but as far as I’m concerned, that is not an option, even in these circumstances. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. — Sex Starved
Dear Sex: For whatever reason, some middle-aged women decide to close up shop, deciding that part of life is over … an old-fashioned idea, to be sure. For some women the sex was never any good anyway, so they use middle age or menopause as the excuse. Other women, and I suspect your wife is one of these, do experience a lagging libido, but there is help for this. A gynecologist or an endocrinologist could be consulted. Because you say the intimacy of the first 20 years was satisfying, I suggest you insist on discussing the issue and trying to find answers. If she is unwilling, however, you will have exhausted your options. — Margo, disappointedly
A Bumpy Road for a Trucker’s Wife
Dear Margo: I have been married to a truck driver for three years. I know he loves me, but our relationship has become a routine. I find we no longer talk and I don’t feel we are even friends anymore. I have started talking to a gentleman who is 11 years my senior and has become a friend. He now says he loves me and wants to plan a future together. I do still find my husband attractive, but this other man says all the right things and seems to be financially secure, which my husband is not. I am so confused. It would be nice to know that all of my bills are paid, and I’d like my partner to be my friend, as well as a mate. What should I do? — Baffled
Dear Baf: This is not a decision I can make for you, nor could any outsider. When you write that you have been “talking” to a gentleman, I do not know if this means he is an online friend or someone you are seeing … but only talking with. I can tell you this: It is not smart to make decisions based on what online “friends” tell you. As for the financial security aspect (should this man prove to be genuinely well-off), it has been said that marrying for money is a tough way to earn a living. Before making any decisions I would talk to a mental health professional to sort out what you really want, and what is fixable in your marriage and what is not. I have not directly answered your question, but I hope I’ve offered some signposts to help you arrive at a solution yourself. — Margo, carefully
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
