Dear Margo: My husband and I met online in 2001, moved in together in ’03 and married in 2006. He’s wonderful in almost every way, but we’ve had some huge problems due to his need for sexual attention. Right after I moved in, I found he had a lot of porn, plus dozens of girls and women (ranging from teens to 30s) on his contact lists for IM. There were photos of some of them nude and clothed. I thought all this was over in 2005, but he was still getting calls from women and going into the bedroom to talk privately. (And also talking to his ex and trying to get her to have phone sex. She told me and he admitted it.) For the past year, he has been watching porn every morning on a particular site, where he has several favorite women. (Then he tries to delete the history.) When I found out, he said he liked them because they looked like me (they looked nothing like me), and that he only went there because I’m usually too tired for sex due to caring for our 6-month-old son. I am tired, but we still have great sex two to three times a week. He’s been extremely devoted since I got pregnant, aside from the everyday porn, but since he tries to hide that, I wonder what else he may be hiding. I really want to keep our new family together if possible. — Waiting for the Other Shoe To Drop
Dear Wait: Your husband’s concentration on sex has probably crossed over into addiction. I am not one of those who believes that as long as a married man isn’t physically getting it on with some babe he is being true to the marriage. I suggest you get guidance and information from a group meant for the family and friends of sexaholics — the people affected by the sexual attitudes and behavior of another person. S-Anon’s web address is . Good luck. — Margo, explorationally
Knock, Knock. It’s the Nutty Neighbor
Dear Margo: My mother and I are in a situation. We have a neighbor (with whom we are not close) who walks into our house whenever she feels like it. We have tried to be compassionate and understand that she doesn’t have many diversions in life, but all the woman does is complain about everything. And I mean everything. We have tried telling her that we are busy and cannot talk. Then she says nasty things about us, and that no one in this world has time for her, etc. We lock the doors, but she will stand outside to see whether we will come out, or call dozens of times to “catch us” at home. We know that she lives with people, but I guess they don’t interest her anymore. We know her health is sound — we know all about her health — and that she isn’t mentally ill or anything. What more can we do to tell this lady to stay out of our house? We cannot tolerate her forced companionship anymore. — Under House Arrest in Kansas
Dear Un: This woman may not be mentally ill, but she sure is dense. (And I’m not so sure it’s not a personality disorder to completely ignore boundaries and the fact that people seem to be hiding from you.) I have talked about this before: No one should feel like a prisoner in his or her own home. Because you say she has already said awful things about you when the welcome wagon doesn’t seem to be operating, I can’t see what you’ve got to lose by laying it on the line. Simply tell her that your time at home is your sanctuary from work and other obligations, and her “visits” are not the way you choose to spend your spare time. Keep your doors locked and just ignore her if she continues to lurk around. — Margo, definitively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
