My friend Susan calls in a panic. She says I need to come right over.
Susan and her husband are disagreeing about outdoor lights. Whoo, boy. I don’t know how I’m going to referee this one. My husband and I have our own light wars. For example, when a bulb burns out, he views not replacing it as a way to save money.
In short, Susan wants solar lights, and Michael’s an electric guy. He wants her to do something with the boxes of solar lights she had shipped to their home a few months ago, or he’s getting rid of them. He thought they were a waste of money to begin with, and now they’re hogging floor space and he’s tripping over them.
Susan is a new-age environmentalist. She’s into anything green — organic foods, green dry cleaners and formaldehyde-free mattresses. Her husband is your basic red-meat, beer-loving kind of guy who doesn’t see the point of changing any tradition that works, like watching football on New Year’s Day.
“I just want lights I can turn on and off when I want to,” he says, and who can argue with that?
“He thinks these lights are voodoo magic,” Susan says.
“Can’t hurt to try them,” I suggest, in my best mediator voice.
Because Michael wants no part of this, installing the lights becomes Susan’s job — and mine. We pop open the boxes, spread an intimidating number of parts all over the kitchen counter and try to act competent. Good thing no one’s watching.
“I think we should put this doohickey in that thingamajig.”
“And this gizmo in that whatchamacallit.”
“Perfect!”
Isn’t it amazing how much better women communicate with women than with men?
Next, we’re outside sticking the lights in the ground like stakes. They have no cords or plugs. Instead they soak up the sun all day, and light up all night. They have dawn and dusk sensors that tell them when to turn on and off. No question, if these work, I’m sticking them in my yard, which at night is blacker than the inside of a tire.
Because the ground is hard, I take off one of my high-heeled boots and use it to whack those suckers in.
Later, after the lights had most of the day to sunbathe, I call Susan. “Did they come on?”
“I don’t think so,” she whispers. “But don’t tell Michael.”
“Let’s give them another day before we pull the plug.”
“There is no plug.”
“Right. I forgot.”
Then Susan leaves town, and leaves me in the dark about whether the lights worked.
Two weeks later, she calls again: “Good news!”
I rush over to see the light for myself. The whole thing seemed miraculous, like the first time you try cotton candy. “What did Michael say?”
“He asked if I was installing a windmill next.”
Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson is the author of “The House Always Wins” (Da Capo), and of “House of Havoc,” due out this February. Contact her through .
Turning to the sun
Lights are a big deal this time of year. The holiday season plus winter solstice charges us with making the season bright when days are shortest and nights are longest. Rather than run outdoor electrical lights longer, which gets expensive, consider whether outdoor solar lights may be an option.
No-brainer benefits. Solar lights run off free sunshine, so they use zero electricity. They’re also affordable. I just picked up a set of six landscape lights at Home Depot for $44. They involve no wires or plugs, so they are easy to install. You just pound the little guys in with your high heel. Ladies, if you’re tripping on the sidewalk and fumbling in the dark for your keys, you have no more excuses.
One catch. Before you get too excited, check the solar-radiation map on the U.S. Department of Energy’s website to see if your home gets enough sun. If you live in an orange or yellow zone, you’re good to go. (Colorado is yellow.) If you live in a green zone, you’ll get some benefit. If you live in a blue zone (Alaska, the northern tip of Washington state, and part of Pennsylvania), don’t bother.
Stick them where the sun shines. When deciding where to place your solar lights, avoid shady spots. These lights work only if they can get charged by sunshine during the day. Solar lights can work well in a variety of outdoor spaces: next to walkways and driveways, alongside pools and ponds, at the base of trees and gardens, and anywhere you’d like added light for safety and security.
Make your season bright. Solar light companies also offer outdoor Christmas lights in a variety of colors. You can set them to blink or hold steady, and they turn themselves on and off. It’s too late for this year, but next year I’m giving solar holiday lights a serious look. Maybe I’ll even find some on sale after this holiday season.
Whether your lights are solar or not, may your new year be merry and bright.
