Right after I had my first child, now 16, a knowing father of several had this comforting insight: “You’ll never sleep through the night again.”
He was only slightly exaggerating. I hate to break this to new parents, but sleep deprivation doesn’t end with infancy. Kids go from teething to toilet training to teenage tomfoolery, and you lose sleep at every stage.
That’s why we parents deserve a bedroom that invites quality z’s. So if we do hope to get lucky in the bedroom — ahem! I mean sleep-wise — our surroundings must summon slumber.
According to the National Sleep Foundation, adults should get seven or more hours of continuous, uninterrupted sleep a night (Ha!), yet 39 percent of adults get less. Furthermore, research shows that the chances of a teen parent getting an uninterrupted stretch of sleep is about as rare as a cat giving birth to a dog, which the National Enquirer says has happened.
Kids sleep fine. My teens sleep like squirrels in hibernation. (I heard that you can toss a hibernating squirrel like a baseball and it won’t wake up.) Meanwhile, parents lie awake worrying about sexting, dating and how they’re going to pay for college.
Teen friends are another cause of parental sleep deprivation. Last Saturday, for instance, after my 16-year-old daughter arrived safely home from a night out with her friend, Anne, I went to bed. As I was drifting off to the land of whipped-cream clouds and flower fairies, the phone rang.
“Mrs. Jameson?” the young woman’s voice said. So few people call me that I thought it was a credit-card company. “It’s Claire,” my daughter’s friend continued.
“Are you OK?”
“I’m by your house and it’s really foggy. Can I spend the night?”
“Of course.”
I get out of bed, go downstairs, turn on the light, and bring Claire in from the fog. She heads to Paige’s room, where Paige is sleeping like Rip Van Winkle. Claire is asleep before I’ve turned off the light. I go back to bed.
Eventually, I’m dreaming: I’m singing, rather badly, a Beatles song live on stage in front of the Beatles, when I hear Paige’s voice by my bed. “Mom?”
“Ringo?”
“Anne’s mom is on the phone. She can’t find Anne. Will you talk to her?” Paige hands me her cellphone. It’s after midnight, the hour teen parents bond through insomnia.
“I thought you took her home?” I whisper to Paige.
“I did.”
My stomach acid rises, and my heart pounds like hooves on a race track. She’s missing!
“Hello?” I say.
I hear shuffling, then a small gasp, then Anne’s mom is saying, “I’m so sorry. I just found Anne in bed asleep. I didn’t check her room because I didn’t hear her come in.”
“I understand,” I say. “While we’ve mastered the art of lying awake listening, our kids have mastered the art of slipping in silently.”
We laugh. And I go back to my dream, where I’m singing to John Lennon, “Whatever gets you through the night . . .”
Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson is the author of the new book “House of Havoc,” and of “The House Always Wins” (Da Capo Press). Contact her through .
If these walls could soothe
While I can’t prevent kid-related sleep deprivation, I can help you create a dreamy bedroom that — once you’re lucky enough to get there — soothes like a lullaby. Here’s what can make a bedroom beckon, according to Nancy Butler with the Better Sleep Council. Color it mellow. “Bedroom decor should be relaxing,” says Butler. Avoid stimulating patterns and colors, like citrus orange or taxi yellow. Water tones, greens from nature, deep lavenders and browns can strike a tranquil chord.
Remove distractions. Your bedroom should be for only two things: sleep and romance. Keep everything to do with work or worries elsewhere. Banish workout equipment, office gear, laptops, cellphones, paperwork and clutter. “You don’t want anything in the room that makes you feel like you need to do something else.”
Keep it cool. Studies show that 65 degrees is the ideal sleeping temperature; it helps people fall asleep and stay asleep. The best sleep occurs in dark, cool, quiet rooms.
Banish the light. Light is the body’s cue to be active, an instinct imbedded in our DNA. Be sure your window coverings block light so sun doesn’t sabotage sleep.
Cover the noise. If you can’t achieve total silence — say you live near a busy highway or a courting barn owl — get a sound-masking device. “You want a steady, unbroken sound,” says Butler. And close your door.
Turn off the television. Though some people swear they can fall asleep only with the television on, Butler says it interferes with sleep. The person may not realize it, but the fluctuating light and sound mess with sleep patterns, so sleep won’t be as restful.
Make the most of your shut-eye. Manufacturers of new bedding products claim they can keep skin softer and bodies fitter. Mattress pads infused with aloe vera allegedly help rejuvenate skin; mattresses laden with lavender heighten relaxation. A new Chili bed has dual-sided controls that let you adjust the mattress temperature from 48 to 118 degrees, so she stays cool during hot flashes while he warms his arthritic joints. Another bedding product claims to help muscles recover after a tough day at the gym, all according to Dale Read, president of the Specialty Sleep Association. (For product information, go to .) Now if they would just invent a product that would help parents sleep like teenagers.
