Dear Amy: I need to respond to the questions in your column about how to handle toddler tantrums. I was a screaming toddler 50 years ago.
My mother was a prim and proper woman who took nothing from anyone, especially me.
Tantrums were simply not going to be tolerated. One day, as I stood there screaming, I watched her as she calmly put an ice cube in a glass, then filled it about an inch full of water, swished the cube around so the water was good and cold, took the cube out, stood back and threw the cold water swiftly over the front of me.
I stopped screaming abruptly, and she simply said, “You were getting awfully hot.”
Next time I saw the cube go in the glass, I stopped crying, knowing what was inevitably about to happen, and never I went the hysteria route again. Years later, it worked for my son too. — Peggy in Maryland
Dear Peggy: Scores of readers have written saying that throwing cold water in the face of a screaming toddler is the way to respond to a tantrum.
I don’t advocate this, though I do think your mother was clever to provide a visual cue (the cube going into the glass) to give you time to simmer down.
I took this question to one of my favorite baby and child experts, Dr. Joshua Sparrow, co-author with Dr. T. Berry Brazelton of “Mastering Anger and Aggression — the Brazelton Way” (2005, De Capo Press).
Dr. Sparrow says, “A child in a full-blown tantrum is in the throes of an inner storm. She can’t think straight and can’t be reasoned with. Her emotions — frustration, disappointment, anger and confusion — have temporarily become physical sensations that have a grip on her mind and her body.
“Sometimes comfort, holding and cuddling will help, although often the child needs to work to comfort herself before she can be comforted by a parent. In some cultures, parents will sprinkle a few drops of water on a child’s face to try to break through the overwhelming physical sensations of a tantrum.
“Often the best approach is to step back (making sure the child is safe), and remain present but disengaged. Manage the tantrum without demonstrating anger or aggression, which is bound to intensify the tantrum and interfere with the learning process that goes on during tantrums — the gradual mastery of self-control.”
Dear Amy: Every summer, I teach a small art class to some of my daughters’ friends. It’s informal, casual and fun.
This year, I know that one of their friends, “Cheryl,” will want to join. We all like Cheryl — in small doses.
She’s rambunctious, doesn’t listen and isn’t good in a structured setting.
My daughters don’t want her in the class, and I’m a bit worried about how she would change the tone of the class.
The problem is that her mom and I are good friends, and I don’t know how to tell her this. It hasn’t come up, but I know it will soon.
Any advice you could give me on how to tactfully handle this situation would be welcome. — Grandma Moses
Dear Grandma: You — and not your daughters — should be in charge of enrollment in this art class. Keeping this in mind will prevent this from becoming a girlfriend thing. Think of it as a classroom management issue.
If you have determined that this child can’t succeed and that her presence would be a detriment to the others, you can recommend another art program to her mom. Say, “I honestly don’t think I can manage ‘Cheryl’ well in the class, but I’ve looked at other art programs and there’s a good one at the community center.”
Including Cheryl could work, however, if you ask her mom to lend a hand during class.
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