Dear Amy: It has been seven years since my husband had an affair with another woman.
Although I wanted a divorce for the first couple of years, financial circumstances and family members discouraged me, so I stayed.
The disappointment, anger and sadness have subsided through the years, but somehow the contentment I once had never returned, even though my husband is nicer now. I’m no longer depressed, but fun things such as going out and traveling just don’t excite me that much anymore.
Before the affair, I was a happy person and enjoyed life in general. Now I am much more cynical about men and even women. I used to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I realize that just because my husband broke my trust, not everyone is dishonest. But I am still very guarded and reluctant to trust people. I’ve forgiven my husband, but I no longer feel the same way about him.
I don’t love him, but I don’t mind living with him because I don’t like to live alone. My husband never wanted a divorce, and he’s surprised that I still haven’t gotten “over” it.
How can I get back that joy I once had? Or is there no hope? — Joyless
Dear Joyless: You might not be acutely depressed, but you sound sad and stuck in a sort of malaise.
You can’t turn back the clock and erase the events of your life, but you might be able to get closer to the joy you once experienced by working to reconnect with the person you used to be.
In my view, living with a husband you “don’t love but don’t mind living with” sounds like a recipe for long-term distress. If you can separate for a short time, you might be able to sort out your feelings. You might start by taking a meditative retreat. Your goal should be to take an objective look at your life to see how you can live more authentically and make positive changes.
Dear Amy: Recently my daughters held a surprise 25th wedding anniversary for my husband and me. About 40 people attended. Although my husband’s family and many friends were there, no one in my family showed up.
My sister-in-law from Switzerland attended. My brother- in-law, who lives four hours away, managed to make it for a few hours.
My family lives about four hours away. My father’s claim was that there was construction along the route, and he didn’t want to navigate it. My brother said his mother-in-law was having a problem and so he couldn’t make it. One sister never gave me a reason why she wasn’t there.
I am fuming and feel like sending them a letter. Should I? — Fuming in California
Dear Fuming: You could write a letter to your family members, as long as you think it through. Scolding them through a letter might not have the effect you’d hope, however. It might only serve to make them defensive and cause them to brand you as extra-sensitive.
You might do better by simply asking each family member, “Can you imagine how I felt knowing that you weren’t willing to or interested in making the effort to attend this celebration? I missed you very much.”
Dear Amy: “Worried Son” wrote about his raging and jealous father.
About 25 years ago, much the same happened with the family of a friend of mine.
My friend’s father wrote a series of vicious, rage-filled letters to his mother and sisters.
He then turned on his wife with verbal accusations. Finally, when she told him, “Either you see a doctor or I am leaving you,” they went to a psychiatrist together.
The diagnosis? Bipolar disorder.
My friend and I felt that what set the whole thing off was his retirement. — Jean
Dear Jean: Many readers found “Worried Son’s” story sadly familiar.
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