Dear Margo: I’m 16 years old, and somehow I’ve become my mother’s marriage counselor. I feel like I don’t have a mother anymore because all she does is complain about Dad. I don’t think their marriage problems are any of my business.
The problem is that I am Mom’s only friend. I’ve tried to get her to go to the local church and make friends, but she won’t do it. She also refuses to see a therapist or a marriage counselor, despite my begging her to do this. (I know little about her past life, but I’m guessing she’s had therapy before and it was a disaster).
Right now, the marriage isn’t doing so well, but I think it’s just one of the rough spots that come with marriage and will pass. Because I’m almost grown up, I don’t have much time left with Mom. I’m not asking for a lot from her. I cook dinner most of the time, I clean, and I do a lot of work around the ranch we live on. What I need is a mother, not to be her mother. I have no one to go to and no idea what to do. — Miss My Mommy
Dear Miss: I am so sorry your mother hasn’t shown better judgment. The good news is that you sound very solid. My suggestion for turning things around, since you seem to be the grownup in this situation, is to tell your mother, perhaps with your father present, just what you have told me. You might point out that you are not equipped to handle her difficulties, nor should you be expected to. Too bad she won’t see a therapist, because I’m sure any good one would tell her she is crossing boundaries.
I am also wondering what she is so busy doing that you are cooking and cleaning. It is entirely possible that she is so immature that she can’t stop herself, in which case, just say you aren’t discussing the subject any further, and keep in mind that in two years you’ll be going to college. Let us hope far from home. — Margo, supportively
Keep a toxic sister at bay
Dear Margo: I feel estranged from my younger sister, who lives on the opposite coast. We fought a lot as kids and then grew closer due to some family situations and were even roommates as adults. However, she seems to harbor resentment about things that happened to her as a child and blames me, although they were my parents’ doing, not mine. I have supported her through two breakups, even though she told me to “get over it already” when I went through a divorce. She seems to care for no one but herself.
Recently, she came to visit and stayed with my fiance and me and our kids. At brunch, I fed one of the kids healthy foods at his doctor’s request, and the moment I was out of sight, she loaded him up with cookies and cake from her plate. Anytime we went anywhere, she followed my fiance in stores when we were browsing. At a family event, she waited until I went to the restroom to ask my fiance how we were doing and to offer support “if he ever needed anything.” I don’t understand why she seems to go out of her way to make my fiance happy by siding with him at every opportunity. — Older Sister
Dear Old: You don’t understand why your sister is solicitous of your fiance? I do. She may be your sister, but she is not your friend. She is competitive with you, carries around old grudges, would love to get your beau away from you, and in general sounds like she’s not wrapped real tight. Anybody who gives a kid cookies and cake knowing the doctor said ix-nay is destructive, maybe nuts, and someone to keep at arm’s length — or in your case, a country’s length. — Margo, affirmingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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