Dear Amy: I’ve been wondering what to get our 17-year-old grandson for Christmas. He says he smokes pot, will not go to school and does not care about living at home — so he hangs out with a friend and the friend’s dad about 50 miles away from home.
His mom and dad are not on the same track, have nothing to give and cannot cope with the situation.
But I do care. I will not give my grandson money or anything he can hock, but I want to be fair. I believe he will be at our home for Christmas. Do you have a suggestion? — A Grandfather
Dear Grandfather: Your grandson may have hit the skids, but every young person starts life full of potential. All you can give to your grandson is also the best thing you can give to him: the message that he is not alone, the idea that his life and choices matter, and the important truth that you care about him.
Maybe you have some old photographs of your grandson — a picture of him as a toddler trailing a teddy bear or a reminder of when he proudly played in Little League. You should also look for photographs of the two of you together.
Duplicate these reminders of his life. Compile them into a small album, wrap it and give it to him along with a letter from you.
Use your letter to convey how much you’ve always cared about him (after all, you are one of the few people who have known your grandson his whole life).
Remind him of some of the positive events of his life and tell him that you believe in his potential. Tell him that as he moves toward adulthood his choices matter, and that you will always want the best for him.
Dear Amy: My best friend is going out with a man she met a few weeks ago. I think he’s old enough to be her father! She says he’s 43 years old and she loves him. She’s only 18 and she falls in love way too easily.
Her mom doesn’t know that she is dating this man and recently, she read my friend’s text messages and discovered that they’ve been texting each other and he’s asking her to move in with him. Now her mom is mad and wants to know who this man is.
My friend doesn’t want her parents to know, so she asked me to lie to her mom and tell her that I’m the one who’s been texting the man, using her phone. I love my friend and I don’t want to let her down but I also don’t want to lie to her mom.
So, Amy, what should I do? — Best Friend
Dear Friend: You already know what to do, but if you need courage, I’ll remind you. You cannot lie for your friend. Furthermore, any friend who asks you to lie for her is not being a friend.
Because she has involved you in this mess, you can and should weigh in. She is making terrible choices, and you might as well tell her so.
Let her know that you won’t lie to anyone for her. Then tell her you resent her willingness to throw you under the bus and blame her poor choices on you.
Dear Amy: A friend of mine has been struggling with infertility. I referred her to my doctor (I even took her to her first appointment). She has seen this doctor for many months.
I recently found out from her mother-in-law that my friend is almost four months pregnant. I am extremely happy for her and her family. I also feel that this person should have called me and let me know that she is expecting. Am I wrong for feeling that way? — Wondering in NY
Dear Wondering: The real issue is why this woman’s mother-in-law is telling people about her pregnancy. Pregnant women often wait to notify people (especially if they have had miscarriages in the past).
This is not a referendum on your friendship. Trust that she will tell you about her pregnancy when the time is right for her.
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