Dear Margo: I have been married for 23 years. We have two teenage children. My wife refuses any kind of intimacy with me, and we have not had sex for the past 10 years of our marriage. I used to be able to count on having sex on Valentine’s Day, my birthday and our anniversary, but now it doesn’t even happen on those days. We have gone to counseling, and my wife says she feels bad about our not having sex and she knows how much pain this issue has caused me. But she has stated that she will never have sex again. (She gave the therapist no reason, but she told me she thinks sex is disgusting and takes too much energy. The sexual issues began after our first child was born.) The counselor says I need to be supportive of this and just be patient, that maybe she will change her mind. The lack of sex is causing me to really hate her. Should I wait for her to turn around? Should I leave her now or wait until the kids are gone? I just don’t understand this. I have told her that I will have an affair, and she responded that I never would because I am loyal like a dog. — Boiling
Dear Boil: Before we get to your wife, I suggest replacing the therapist because the one you have is nuts. After a decade of “being patient,” you should hang on because she might change? This is ridiculous advice. And the counselor never wanted to find out why?
Given what you say, I have a strong hunch that there is an emotional block coming from who knows where. What is telling is that your wife has no interest in either exploring or fixing what she acknowledges is an issue that causes you pain. If a new therapist cannot motivate her (if there is a new therapist), then I would consider replacing your wife. Not only is she unilaterally depriving you of spousal privileges (for no reason that you know of, except an “energy shortage”), but she made quite a dig with the remark about a dog. Instead of hating her, if there is no effort on her part, then I would tell her you are tired of being in the doghouse and want your freedom. — Margo, disgustedly
Mr. cellophane
Dear Margo: I have no idea what to do. My mother was a single parent who raised me pretty much all by herself. She got married a few months after I did to a person we’ll just say neither my husband nor I really have much in common with. When we’re all together, he really tries hard to find something to talk about. It gets quite tiring to have to work at conversation so hard. My mother is still focused on being a mother and has a tendency to be a little domineering. — Trying To Work it Out
Dear Try: I know the feeling of trying to make chitchat, let alone have a real conversation, with people who are a lot of work. You might try these approaches. Talk around him, just the three of you, and if he has something to say, he will join in. Get together in a larger group, so that others can act as buffers. Make movie dates, or such, where there’s not supposed to be talking. See your mom in a just-us-girls outing. Try to minimize the time spent socializing as a foursome and encourage your mom and the new man in her life to be with their contemporaries. One of these approaches will surely bail you out. — Margo, empathically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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