Dear Amy: My 17-year-old cousin just confided in me (actually, he bragged to me) about his behavior.
He has slept with several girls, sneaked out of the house at night, gone out to clubs and drinks a lot.
I know that engaging in risky behavior is part of growing up, but what he describes seems extreme.
His parents, despite being involved and protective, don’t seem to know the extent (or maybe even existence) of his bad behavior.
I don’t feel it is my place to “tell on him,” but he seems headed toward trouble. What, if anything, should I do? — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: You don’t say how old you are, but I’m not sure why it isn’t your place to let these parents know that their son may be riding off the rails.
You can alert them to some of this risky behavior by saying, “I’m not sure if you’re aware of what ‘Ben’s’ been up to, but it seems like he’s doing some pretty risky stuff — or at least that’s what he says.”
If you don’t feel able to have this conversation with them, tell your parents (or another relative close to them) and ask for their help.
Trust that they’ll handle this from there.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years (on and off). This relationship has not been easy for either of us, as we have very different views on how life should be.
I want a relatively “normal” life, whereas he hates the idea of a 9-to-5 job, owning a home or abiding by social norms. He has never really been “ready” for a serious relationship, but I somehow persuaded him to commit.
It has become apparent to me that we are not right for each other.
Although I know we love each other very much, I want to get married, but he doesn’t. I want to have kids, but he doesn’t.
My question is, do I stay with him? Or do I leave him and try to find someone who wants the same things I do?
I’m afraid that I will wake up one day and find I missed out on all the wonderful things I had hoped for. On the other hand, I’m afraid that I will leave him and never find someone I truly love.
— Depressed Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend: Do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your values and who needed convincing in order to be with you?
No. You don’t want that.
The only thing holding you back now is your fear of the unknown.
But here’s what you will find if you stay with your boyfriend: more of the same. The same disputes, the same issues and the same ways of coping with them.
You can have the house, the kids and the social conventions you say you crave. You can have these things, with or without a partner. But you can’t live the life you want if you have to drag someone into committing — or staying.
Life flows along a crooked streambed. If you are true to your values, people who share them will float your way.
Release your boyfriend to live the life he wants.
Dear Amy: In response to the “Faithful Reader,” who thinks his or her 80-year-old mom may have impaired judgment because of her choice to wear shoes with 1-inch heels: Sometimes we oldsters don’t feel old and want to look fashionable.
But when our feet hurt from wearing the “heels,” we will store them in their shoeboxes after a day of torture.
What really hurts is how demeaning it is when our kids think we are diminished just because we don’t agree with them regarding a decision we have made.
Not all of us are impaired — just a bit stubborn. — Been There Done That
Dear Been There: I have heard from many “oldsters” who don’t want to be pushed around by their kids. Dance on!
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