Dear Amy:My 13-year-old daughter has been friends with three neighborhood girls since kindergarten, and I have been friends with their moms. In the past nine months, these girls have taken to “mean girl” behavior, and my daughter has been the target.
Although she was always baffled by her friends’ freezing her out, my daughter is resilient and has joined other groups at school.
I never wanted to interfere, and I let my daughter work things out with these girls.
One girl has since apologized and admitted she was being mean for no reason. She wants to reconnect.
I sent Christmas cards to these families this year and expected cards in return, as has been the norm the past 10 years.
None of these girls’ families sent us a card this year.
Is it better to call these women and say, “Hey, I’m shocked and sorry your daughter is being mean to my daughter, but I wish we could work it out? I hope it doesn’t damage our friendship?”
Or should I ignore everything? — Confused Mom
Dear Confused If these women are normally in touch with you and have now, as a group, dropped you, then you can see where their daughters learned how to behave.
You should approach this with the same honesty and resilience your own daughter has displayed.
If you want to try to revive these relationships, you could call these women individually to catch up. Based on their attitude toward you, you could then decide whether you want to maintain friendships.
You’ve done a good job of letting your daughter handle her own social challenges, and, unless these mean girls present an ongoing problem to her, you should leave the kids out of it.
Dear Amy: My brother and I have many mutual friends, share several interests and enjoy each other’s company.
We are both in our 20s, and, because of the economy, we both live at home with our parents.
I am single, and he is in a long-distance relationship.
I understand it when strangers see us together and jump to the conclusion that my brother must be my boyfriend.
What bothers me is that some of our mutual friends treat my brother and me as though we are interchangeable — as if a message to one of us will reach the other one by default.
We have received Christmas cards and party invitations addressed to both of us.
It’s not just because we share an address. This regularly happens in e-mails, over the phone and in person.
I never answer for him or do anything else to encourage this, and my brother and I have always given separate gifts and sent separate cards.
What else can I do to make it clear that I want to be treated as a distinct individual? — Not My Brother’s Keeper
Dear Not: You could try to announce an official separation, but the fact is that until you two move out of your family’s home and on your own, you will be lumped together as family members.
You will simply have to continue to emphatically correct friends when they assume that you speak for your brother, saying, “Let me give you his number. You should give him a call.”
Dear Amy: The letter from “Harried Husband,” who didn’t like to clean before houseguests came to visit, reminded me of a conversation I had with my mom.
We were talking on the phone, and she asked me what I was doing. When I told her I was cleaning the house, she responded, “Who’s coming to visit?”
Thanks for giving me a good chuckle! Your response was perfect! — Lauren in Portland, Ore.
Dear Lauren: Based on the response to this letter, I’m not the only one who cleans up for company.
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