Dear Amy: My close friend got married last yearto a man she has been with for several years.
Ever since the wedding, my friend reports that their relationship is in serious trouble.
She says he can’t communicate and doesn’t understand her needs. He says he doesn’t see anything wrong with the relationship and believes she’s being dramatic.
They have passionate fights but are best friends.
I am good friends with both of these people, who are in their mid-20s, very successful in their careers and generally well-adjusted.
I constantly remind my friend that I am available if she needs someone to talk to, but I have a difficult time giving advice when she asks me (I’m not married and am in a new relationship).
I love both of these people and would like to see their marriage work, but from what she has been telling me, I also don’t want them to live unhappily ever after.
They have been working extremely hard to remedy the situation, including seeing a therapist. She told me that she has rented an apartment and plans to move there. She says it’s a temporary separation.
I don’t want to encourage a separation or an unhappy marriage, but these two were always the dream couple in our circle of friends, so everyone expected wedded bliss.
What should I do? — Fretting Friend
Dear Friend: The best marriages are challenging at times, and mature couples work hard to work things out without sharing every intimate detail of their relationship with friends.
These two are seeing a therapist who should help them learn how to communicate, mediate and work on their marriage.
If your friend asks for your advice, it’s OK to admit that you don’t know how to help. You can keep the door open by saying, “I’m not sure what to tell you — what does your therapist say about this?”
She may not be bringing up these issues in therapy (some people stockpile their problems for their friends but neglect to raise them in counseling), but she should.
Separation might give both of them a chance to reflect on their marital aspirations and the tough reality of being a “dream couple.” You should be neutral on this choice — because even intimate friends don’t know everything about what happens between two people.
Dear Amy: There is a young woman who drops by my house — without calling first.
This is very annoying and inconvenient. We have nothing in common except that her mother and I know each other. Please let me know how to handle this without hurting her feelings? — Flummoxed
Dear Flummoxed: Until you ask her to stop popping by, she will have no way of modulating her behavior.
You simply say, “I’m not so good with having people drop by. It’s best if you call first.”
Dear Amy: As a lawyer, I disagree with your response to “Fed Up on Long Island,” who complained that he overheard an attorney and his client discussing the client’s child custody case very loudly while eating dinner.
The couple wanted to know if that was a violation of client confidentiality. You responded that it was.
However, such is not the case. That privilege belongs to the client. He could talk about this matter in public if he wanted.
The client waived the privilege by discussing his business in public with the attorney. — Lawyer in Colorado
Dear Lawyer: Several lawyers wrote to correct me — thank you all. My assumption was that it was not in this client’s best interest to have his business trumpeted through a public place. As I said in my answer, “This lawyer should know better. Frankly, so should the client.” But you are right — it is the client’s responsibility.
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