Crowded flights, dry turkey, bad gifts, quirky relatives: The holidays are one big overstuffed opportunity to get cranky, challenging even the most mannerly.
As the holidays approach, “I watch people grow more and more anxious,” says Peggy Post, great-granddaughter-in-law of etiquette doyenne Emily Post and co-author (with Anna Post, Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning) of “Emily Post’s Etiquette, 18th Edition: Manners for a New World” (William Morrow, $39.99). “It’s just a loaded time emotionally for so many people. They worry so much about getting together, they worry about gifts, and they put just a lot of pressure on themselves.”
“There are so many stressors around the holidays. We all get pushed to the edge,” says Steven Petrow, author of “Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners” (Workman Publishing, $17.95).
Now is a good time to prepare mentally to cling to civility amid the mayhem. We asked Post and Petrow for advice on some typical holiday quandaries:
You’re in the middle seat on a crowded plane. How many armrests do you get? “One,” says Petrow, “whether it’s one whole one or part of two.” (Sharing armrests, of course, assumes you know your seatmate well.) Post suggests that fellow travelers try to accommodate you, given you’re stuck with the worst seat, but “that doesn’t mean you put your wings out and hog the armrests the whole time.”
You’re having Thanksgiving at a relative’s house. Since last Thanksgiving, you’ve gone vegan. Should you suggest vegetable lasagna as the main course? “It’s not all about you,” Post says. “Certainly, offer to make something, but probably not for the main course.”
Aunt Vashti is always late to dinner. How long should you hold off carving the turkey? Sure, you’re tempted to tell her to show up at 6 when you’ve told everybody else 7. But Post says that can backfire in the unlikely event that she actually arrives on time. Plan for an opening activity such as a cocktail hour to give Aunt Vashti extra time. Once it’s turkey time, Post says, “the rule of thumb is waiting 15 to 20 minutes. Work latecomers into whatever part of the meal you’re on.”
How long should I make my Christmas newsletter? Certainly not long enough to require a table of contents — and don’t think that hasn’t happened. Petrow suggests a limit of one page, “but Facebook is really going to erode these newsletters. “
I’d love to take my same-sex partner home for the holidays, but I haven’t come out to my parents yet. Is it too much to hit them with at once? “A double surprise,” Petrow says, “is not a good idea. Come out to your family first. It usually takes a little bit of time for them to catch up.” Best idea, he says: Come out sometime other than the holidays, and make sure you’re bringing your partner into an accepting situation.
I am bringing my partner (whether same-sex or different-sex) home for the holidays, and my parents don’t want us to sleep in the same room. ” Those who rule the home set the rules,” Petrow says, and Post agrees. They also agree: Have this conversation in advance.
When is regifting OK? ” Only rarely do I think this works,” Post says. “The key is that no feelings get hurt and the recipient would really, really like that item.” No regifting of one-of-a-kind items, she says.
Thank-you notes are a pain. Can’t I just send a thank-you e-mail? “We used to say never-never,” Post says. “Now we say, sure, sometimes, yes.” E-mail’s OK to thank someone for dinner or to acknowledge a package has arrived, she says, but “if it’s a gift, follow up with a handwritten thank-you note.”
What’s your best holiday advice? Petrow suggests, especially during these bad economic times, helping someone out for the holidays. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or give Grandpa a hand with a project. “I give my nieces and nephews cash and ask them to spend part on themselves and part on someone else,” he says.
Post advises teaching manners long before the holiday begins. “Make it a part of everyday living” to teach your children to sit still, not holler, chew with their mouths closed and such, although she says the most important lesson is this: “Be interested in the people you’re having the meal with.”
