Dear Amy: I have been dating a man for three years whom I met through an online dating service. I am 65 years old and a widow. He is 68 and divorced. He has told me that marriage is not his goal but that he would marry if the person was the “right one.”
We dated for a year but then my job forced me to relocate 90 miles away.
He did not like this but decided to try this long-distance relationship. We have had a lot of ups and downs and distressing situations. We see each other every weekend, alternating driving to each other’s location.
This works fine for me, but he doesn’t like it. Last year I found out that he was back on the dating service network. I felt betrayed. I told him the relationship was over.
He begged forgiveness and wanted to try again with the thought that maybe I would relocate to his area. I accepted this plan with some skepticism. Now we are in a relationship that he classifies as “friends with benefits.”
A few months ago he told me that he intended to go back to an online dating service to find the relationship that he had wanted all his life.
Without announcing it to him, I then enrolled in a dating service and guess who they matched me with? Him!
Now he is angry and says I deceived him. I feel like a jerk.
He said, “I know you care about me, but not enough. Why don’t you ask Amy’s opinion? She will tell you that you don’t understand relationships and have not been honest with me.”
So now I feel terrible and my self-esteem is shot. What do you think? — Sad
Dear Sad: The term “friends with benefits” implies that you two have a friendship and a sexual relationship unfettered by exclusivity.
This doesn’t seem to be working.
When he joined a dating site without telling you, you felt betrayed. You then did the same thing — and he feels betrayed.
Goose? Meet gander.
If you were joining this dating site to retaliate, that is silly gamesmanship. However, if you were joining the site to find the relationship you have wanted all your life, then Godspeed. Next time, choose a different database.
Dear Amy: I live in a close-knit suburban village. All homes are very close to one another. We have new neighbors next door. Their home is the typical oversized structure for the size of the lot and has enough lighting in the front to light up a ballpark.
This lighting outshines all other homes on the block.
The lights continue to be on from dusk to dawn every day. They are wonderful and friendly people. How can I tell them that their lighting is literally keeping me up at night?
Can you help me communicate with them? — Illuminated Neighbor
Dear Illuminated: I frequently receive queries about how to facilitate conversation between neighbors. Ask yourself how you would feel if something you did caused your neighbors distress and sleepless nights? Wouldn’t you want to know about it?
All you have to do is tell the truth. Start by saying, “I’m embarrassed because I should have mentioned this sooner. Can you help me out here?”
And then explain the problem.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Amy Dickinson’s memoir, “The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them” (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.)
