Dear Amy: I’ve been dating my beautiful girlfriend for seven years now, and I am almost ready to propose. We’ve been waiting until we are more financially stable before we jump the broom. (We currently live in my mom’s basement.)
We have a snag in our relationship, though. She has determined that she doesn’t want to have children.
I’ve always wanted a family and fear this is a game-ender.
We are talking about imposing a time frame on this — and that, if by the end of this time, she still doesn’t want children, then we will part ways. But I fear this would put a ticking time bomb on the relationship and it’s going to be a countdown to the end.
I am also feeling selfish. I feel like maybe I’m not seeing her vantage point, and maybe I’m not being fair to her.
I love her with all my heart, but I fear I would secretly be sad about not having a child and would blame her for it and hold negative feelings.
What do you think? — Storm of Fears
Dear Storm: I agree that this is a deal-breaker.
Your desire to have children is not a selfish one. It originates way down deep in your cells, and I’ve never heard of someone who could shake it off permanently.
I’m not in favor of posting a deadline for a decision about this, however. You may think you are saying, “We’ll take until Christmas to decide,” but what you are really saying is, “You have until Christmas to say yes to kids. Otherwise we’ll have to break up.”
Parenthood is not like other pursuits that couples can agree to disagree about. Even when there are varying degrees of involvement, couples have to agree to the concept. Your girlfriend does not want to do this, and after seven years together , you should trust that she knows her own mind.
Continue to talk it through. I give you both credit for being sensitive and truthful about a very challenging subject.
Dear Amy: At what point is it OK for one spouse to walk away from a marriage?
I have been married 25 years and my children are now young adults.
I told my wife two months ago that I wanted to move out. Upon hearing that news, she cried and told me that she loved me and didn’t want to lose me.
After seeing her reaction, I felt like a heel.
Am I being selfish to want out for whatever reasons — for freedom, or to try a new relationship? I am in my early 50s, and I feel like my job raising my kids is done. I think I am entitled to live for myself.
My spouse and I have little in common anymore. There is no spark, and I am not interested in rekindling anything.
She has grown very dependent on me, ignores our issues and is afraid of any change.
— Frustrated Husband
Dear Frustrated: Maybe it’s the way you express yourself, but if you want to leave your marriage, you’re going to have to work on your pitch — because you do sound like an entitled heel.
The best way to leave a marriage is also sometimes the best way to save it, by communicating the truth, and respecting and acknowledging your spouse’s heartfelt reaction.
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