Dear Amy: I’ve been divorced for a couple of years and generally everything is going well. I’ve circled my wagons around raising our children, who are 7 and 8 years old.
My ex and I have equal shared responsibilities for raising the kids, although I provide all the income. That is not the issue, though.
My problem is that my ex regularly has her boyfriends over to her house while the children are there. I’ve requested numerous times that if she wants to have her friends come over, then to do so when the kids are with me. A simple phone call and I would come and get them.
My point is why should my kids deal with the emotional problems when she has a breakup with one of her boyfriends?
In one situation, the boyfriend had a couple of children of his own, and for a few weeks they all paraded around mimicking the Brady Bunch until the relationship went sour. When it did, my ex told our kids that the other kids went out of town.
Well, they didn’t go out of town — the relationship ended.
What are your thoughts? — Bob
Dear Bob: I hate to burst your nice ex-relationship bubble, but your ex-wife’s behavior and choices are pretty atrocious, and I think you should do more than provide the structure for her to be a better parent and suggest repeatedly that she show better judgment.
You are absolutely correct that her choice to introduce various boyfriends into the kids’ lives is confusing and chaotic for them, during a time when both parents should be working extra hard to make their lives stable.
As to her lying about a relationship, well, she will see how that will turn out when the children are teenagers and lying to her about their own relationships.
I think you should check with your lawyer and revisit your custody agreement. You are the more responsible parent, and the children might do best living with you full time, with visitations with their mother.
Dear Amy: Mrs. Smith and I were married for 15 years. We had a son, then we got divorced.
Both of us remarried. She is now Mrs. Jones.
Our son is now an adult and has a girlfriend who sends out chatty e-mails about their doings. She refers to me as “Father Smith” and my ex as “Mother Jones.”
That’s all good.
Then she refers to my ex’s current husband as “Father Jones” and my current wife by her first name, let’s say “Mary.”
I think I should send my son’s girlfriend a note and say, “You know, calling one stepparent ‘Father Jones’ and the other stepparent ‘Mary’ is a bit unbalanced. How about we drop the honorifics?”
What do you think? — Mr. Smith
Dear Mr. Smith:
You need to find out from Mary whether this really bothers her — or if it only bothers you. If she doesn’t mind it, do nothing.
This girlfriend sounds like a sweetie.
You can’t really ask her to change the way she addresses your ex and her husband, but you could convey, “You are sweet to refer to me as ‘Father Smith,’ but how about you call Mary and me by our first names? We’d prefer that.”
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