NEW YORK, NY – SEPTEMBER 19: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell talks during a press conference at the Hilton Hotel on September 19, 2014 in New York City.Goodell spoke about the NFL’s failure to address domestic violence, sexual assault and drug abuse in the league. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
Okay, NFL, huddle up. Here’s how we’re gonna play this presser. Roger’s going to come out all contrite, use the word “mistake” a few times and finish this thing.
We’ve drafted a tough quote or two…”domestic violence, sexual assault, alcohol, firearms, child abuse have no place in the NFL.” How’s that? He’ll even suggest punishments will be doled out in the future for guys who get caught, and hint that we’re taking this so seriously, nothing is off the table, including the question of his job. Hahahaha. That ought to placate the people clamoring for his resignation.
When they open it to Q&A, he’ll tap dance as fast as he can. We knew nothing, we heard nothing, we can’t comment because it’s an ongoing investigation. And push the idea that we’re adding some skirts in the board room. Stress that the NFL is just like the whole country in needing to deal with this stuff. Another line we drafted: “We’re like a microcosm of society.”
Hilarious, huh? A bunch of millionaires, trained to be violent, idolized by fans, worshipped during the season, just like a microcosm of the rest of America!
Okay, guys, all this attention will pass as soon as we get closer to the Super Bowl. So look like you mean it, stick to the script and run out the news cycle.
