How do you remedy cyber-cheating in a committed relationship? Is there a way to change the need for Internet sex and/or online porn if you are married or involved in a stable relationship?
I addressed the issue in a recent column and am following up because this is a more difficult question than it may seem. A committed relationship can grow romantically and erotically stale over time, and an online dalliance may provide the stimulation, novelty and the excitement that your primary relationship is lacking. And many so-called “cheaters” are likely to say that they are not cheating at all, because they’ve never met or touched the person they were involved with online. But their spouses are likely to feel like they are absolutely cheating.
So what can you do about this? First, if you are the person doing online “cheating,” look carefully at what you are getting from other people online that you’re not getting in your day-to-day relationship. What’s missing in your relationship that you’re receiving from others? Communicate this to your mate and request changes that would assist you in feeling more connected and closer. Do the two of you need to spice up your love life? Have more fun together? Talk more intimately with each other? Such changes are readily doable—and they will hopefully lessen the need for your online roaming.
Second, don’t be secretive and hidden. If your partner cannot be in the room with you when you are communicating with someone else, or if he/she can’t see your e-mails or texts, you are hiding secrets. The same with creating passwords that your partner doesn’t know. The same with having social media accounts that your partner does not have access to, or of having a private e-mail or social media account that he/she doesn’t know about.
And it’s the same if you log off when your partner comes into the room, or if you are hiding credit card or bank registers so he/she can’t know what you’re spending money on. If you are caught, you will be dealing with immediate and powerful trust issues, and trust issues are hard to get rid of. And you will greatly assist your partner in feeling insecure around you, and he/she will therefore be inclined to check up on you and who you’re communicating with 24/7.
If your intimate partner is the one doing the online cheating, your first step is to look at what you need from him or her that will help you to feel safe again. You need specific steps that will be taken in order for you to no longer feel threatened and insecure in your relationship. Ask your partner what he/she would like you to do differently at home so the urge for outside stimulation decreases. Discuss specific steps — and follow through.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Keeping the Flame Alive.” or 303-758-8777.
