Getting your player ready...
Dear J.T. & DALE: My husband just got a new job. He was so excited about it. I was thrilled, too, until a month later, when I learned that his ex-girlfriend works there. He never told me. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t know about it until after he was hired, and didn’t want to upset me. I think he should quit. He says that would hurt his career. What do you think? – Amanda
J.T.: We’re not marriage counselors, Amanda, but we can comment on the career issues. DALE: I would like to say something about marriage that I hope you will pass along to your husband: Marriage is the most important job you have. I don’t mean to be flippant, calling it a “job,” but rather to convey the conviction that it is hard work. If you think that love is enough, you’ll be subject to endless frustrations. What’s called for is something more enduring, that isn’t the easy kind of love you fall into but the steely kind you build. You and your husband have a job to do together. J.T.: Now that the issue of your husband working alongside the ex-girlfriend is out in the open, why not set some ground rules so you can feel OK about it? I’d start there. Why? Because it isn’t wise for your husband to quit his job. He’d be better served by finding a new one while he’s still employed. If you can’t abide him working with this woman, I suggest helping him find a new job someplace else so he can leave without a gap in his employment. DALE: True. And having an unemployed husband is perhaps more stressful than the current situation. However, I would insist that your husband join you in marital counseling as he goes through the job-search process. This is a chance for him to come away with a better job and a better, more trusting marriage. Dear J.T. & Dale: After five years with my employer, I did a very stupid thing and took money. I was caught and fired. I did it once and will never do it again. How do I explain this in an interview? – Don DALE: For many years, I have done career counseling at a men’s center, working with individuals who’ve been in prison. The trickiest case I encountered was a man who had been convicted of embezzling from his employer. But even he eventually found work. He started a job as a part-time contract employee, filling in and helping out. Because of this, he never went through the usual employment screening, even after he got hired full-time. J.T.: Contact your former employer and ask what they will say when called for a reference check. You need to know if they will specifically state why you were fired. If they intend to merely verify dates or say that you were “terminated for cause,” I’d suggest saying something like this to potential employers: “I made a mistake on the job that broke the company rule. It was my fault, and I very much regret it. Losing my job has taught me a valuable lesson about always being in compliance. I know this makes it hard for future employers to want to take a chance on me, but please know that this has affected me deeply. I’d do anything to get a new job so I could prove to the next employer that I can exceed their expectations. I hope you can give me that chance.”
