Dear Eric: My wife and I, both seniors, have similar views, but get our news from different sources. I read online and listen to podcasts while doing mindless tasks, at the gym and on walks when she does not join me.
She is totally devoted to cable TV and prefers me to not interrupt; I can do better and am trying.
She feels my podcast listening (earbuds) shuts out conversations and is unhappy about that. My listening to them is as I described, not times we would normally be conversing, but she resents my unavailability. How best to navigate? I do let her know when I am listening and would gladly interrupt/pause if it was needed.
— News Views
Dear News: It sounds like the core desire from your wife is to have a shared space for discussion, but I’m not sure that the podcasts are the problem. If you’re not listening to them in her presence, and she doesn’t like for you to interrupt her cable news broadcasts, then there’s a third, unspoken option that she may be hungering for.
Try asking if she’d like to set aside a time for both of you to discuss the news you’ve learned about, perhaps over a meal, a walk or some other shared activity. Ask her what she means when she says that your podcasts shut out conversation and try to get at what kind of conversation she’d prefer you both have.
Itap also possible that she’s not keen on the content and bent of the podcasts you’re listening to and what she’s saying is that the rhetoric of the podcasts make discussion unworkable. I can’t say for sure, of course, but a conversation about, well, conversation will help you figure it out.
Dear Eric: My husband has a sister who is widowed and lives out of state. She usually makes an annual visit and stays at our home for about four days. She is kind and genuinely interested in our children and grandchildren despite the fact she never had any of her own. We always have a family gathering when she visits.
She has a longtime habit that basically drives me and my husband crazy. She constantly has her fingers in her mouth, with “constantly” not being an exaggeration. She wears long, acrylic nails, so some of the time she is clicking the nails on her teeth.
When she offers to help in the kitchen, I tell her that I want her to enjoy her vacation and would like her to just relax.
Truthfully, we don’t want her anywhere near food that others will be eating. We hate that everything she touches has her saliva left behind on it. We have not said anything to her about this bad habit. I cringe thinking of another visit from her. Is there a polite way to address this, or do I just continue cringing, and when she leaves, sanitizing everything that she touched?
— Nails on a Chalkboard
Dear Nails: Try addressing the habit from the sanitation standpoint; that might be the easiest path to navigate. Itap fine to say to her, “we appreciate your help, but you often have your hands in your mouth, and we’re concerned about food safety. If you want to help with food or with dishes, would you wash your hands first and keep them away from your mouth so that everyone is safe?” Yes, this may be awkward, but itap unlikely she’s unaware of her habit. By framing this way, you keep the focus on a shared solution to a problem that, hopefully, everyone understands rather than just critiquing the behavior thatap causing the cringes.
Dear Eric: My two older sisters and I are of a certain age (I am 68). When we get together and I make an offhanded, flippant remark that simply doesn’t bear repeating they will ask me what I said. Is it rude of me not to repeat myself? I usually say “never mind” or give a wave of the hand or a shaking of the head. (Letap move on, shall we?) They are both afflicted by cognitive and/or hearing issues. When I do repeat myself, their reactions confirm my assessment of the exchange. (Ouch!)
— Unrepeatables
Dear Unrepeatables: The adage goes, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” but a secondary adage might advise, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, definitely don’t say it twice.” Your method of dismissing your flippant remarks, then, is probably the next best option to silence. But do consider the words of the first adage, too. It may be hard to resist these kinds of interjections but consider trying to keep them internal as much as possible. Even if your sisters aren’t hearing the hurtful words, itap likely that they get the gist.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
