Dear Eric: In the spring I attended an event and sat next to a woman around my age who was absolutely delightful. We discovered we had a lot in common and had a great old time.
At that luncheon I was willing to share personal things right away and I know I gave off messages that would suggest that I am indeed open to a closer relationship. I tend to jump into things with enthusiasm and then want to back off. I even said something of that kind to her as we parted that day.
Since then, she has emailed me a couple of times in hopes that we can build a friendship. She knows that I visit someone else weekly near her house and asked if I could come by then. I am not interested in starting a new friendship with this woman, and although if I were to run into this woman again, I would be happy to see her, I do not want to encourage get-togethers and a future closeness.
I was going to write to her and say this, but I do not have the words. I would not, for the world, want to hurt her. What should I say?
— Impetuous
Dear Impetuous: Try “I really enjoyed meeting you and I appreciate you reaching out, but right now I’m maxed out socially.” Instead of maxed out, you could also say “over-extended” or something similar. You can even write that you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but that you’d prefer to keep the visits you’re making regularly one-on-one rather than inviting other guests. If there’s a specific reason that you don’t want to include her in the visits, you can offer it, but thatap not necessary. To be honest, her feelings might still get bruised, but itap better to have a definitive answer than for her to keep trying and be confused by the rejection.
Dear Eric: The other day, my teenage grandson was staying with me. He was sitting on the couch as I was leaving the house with a friend. When I got to the door, I picked up the garbage bag to take it to the alley behind my house. Before I could do it, my friend asked my grandson to take the bag out instead, which he willingly did.
I had actually been looking forward to taking a stroll through the backyard to check out my garden. I have a disability, and don’t often feel like doing it, but if I hadn’t, I would have asked my grandson to do it myself.
My friend told me later that she thought my grandson should have gotten up and taken the garbage out without being asked. I disagreed with her.
As a part-time wheelchair user, I can honestly say that I’ve often been offered more “assistance” than I want with things I can do for myself. I understand that people are basically nice, they want to help, but don’t know what to do unless you ask them, so I have no problem asking.
In addition, neither my grandson or I was raised to look for ways to help other people, and I’m not sure why. My friend, on the other hand, has a gift for doing for others, and probably had plenty of home-training to reinforce it.
So, who is right here? Should I expect more from my grandson (and myself) in the helpfulness department? Or should I just chalk this up to different types of upbringing and hope that people like her will take up my slack? And if we need to learn how to be more helpful, how do we do that?
— Look for Helpers
Dear Helpers: The important distinction here is that you didn’t want the help, so while your friend’s impulse was a kind one, it wasn’t what the situation called for. She read your grandson’s inaction as rudeness. But from your letter it seems that he accurately interpreted your need in the moment.
Your relationship seems to work for the two of you; indeed, you write that you have no trouble asking him for help when you want it. But you’re also teaching him to respect other people’s autonomy.
You might talk to him about household responsibilities and your own needs and set him up to be more proactive about asking if you want help. This will, in turn, teach him to ask others. Communicating about how you live together is going to grow your relationship with each other and his relationship with the world.
Everyone he encounters, regardless of their ability, is going to have different wants and needs. You’d do him a great service to keep encouraging his capacity for empathy by sharing your experience and leaning on him when you need to.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
