Dear Amy: Add this to the pile of letters you receive regarding sexless marriages.
I have been married for 30 years, and there has been no sex for the past 15. It is comforting to learn that I am not the only one in this situation.
My husband and I are both thin, above-average-looking, healthy, successful college graduates. Neither one of us has ever been on medication, suffered from depression, or had a problem with alcohol or any other form of addiction. There has been no physical abuse.
Our relationship has had ups and downs, but neither of us has ever seriously considered divorce. I’m not going to say my husband has never had an affair; it’s possible. But I know he is not involved with anybody now. I don’t think either one of us would ever leave the marriage.
My husband never was touchy-feely, so I hugged my kids a lot. As I get older, I don’t care about sex that much and am kind of glad he feels the same.
– Still Hanging in There
Dear Hanging: Well, there’s sex and then there’s touchy-feely, and then there’s love and affection. I assume you want love and affection; you indicate that you want touchy-feely, so I’m left to wonder what qualities your marriage has that make it life affirming. Because a partnership – especially one as long and fruitful as yours – should at its core be life affirming, sex or no sex.
If both you and your husband don’t want to have sex, you have a consensual nonsexual relationship. I’d love to think you have other things – shared interests and passions, emotional intimacy, an occasional blast of a vacation or endless games of Scrabble. But you define your marriage by its many absences, and I would encourage you to develop and celebrate what is present in your marriage.
Most readers who write about their sexless marriage would rather it be otherwise. But I welcome hearing from readers who, like you, are fine with it.
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Dear Amy: Am I the only one who thinks finding porn on your significant other’s computer is nowhere near the panicky situation or cause for counseling others seem to think it is? It’s normal for people, especially men, to look at Internet porn. Unless it is an actual addiction, there’s nothing alarming or dirty about it. Many women also like porn, except it has words instead of pictures, so they think it’s better. Unless you would counsel any man who finds romance novels under his wife’s night table to take her to counseling, I think your advice is a double standard.
Romance novels have just as many “damaging stereotypes” and encourage just as many “unrealistic expectations” as porn.
– Irked by Porn Hysteria
Dear Irked: I don’t believe I have ever talked about porn causing “damaging stereotypes” or encouraging “unrealistic expectations.” Yet you may quote me as saying it is “disgusting,” “demeaning” and “dangerous.” You may think it’s because I want my own daughter to be respected, but really it’s because I want everyone’s to be respected.
I am reading more often of men who become addicted to Internet porn. For young men who know nothing of real life and relationships, it is devastating. Many people write in comparing porn to romance novels. That’s an insult to all of the bare-chested, long-haired, impoverished counts who ride their stallions across windswept moors.
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Dear Amy: I love the column, but I think you blew it in responding to the person who thought he was “dating” a woman, when she said they were just “hanging out.” You said it was a matter of semantics. But “dating” implies exploration on the way toward possible exclusivity and a future. “Hanging out” is just playing around.
– Bill in Portland
Dear Bill: I heard from other readers who corrected me and said that, in defining relationships, it’s all semantics. I encouraged the original writer to relax and not worry about what to call the relationship; other readers said he should cut and run.
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