Q: My daughter, her Hispanic husband and their three children recently had lunch at my house. He began to speak Spanish to two of their teenage children, who turned to look at me and laugh. On the verge of tears, I told him this behavior was very rude because I don’t understand Spanish. He replied that he was teaching them how to get along in the world!
My daughter tried to change the subject and have a peaceful meal, but my day was ruined and I was upset for several days.
I’m not looking forward to any more visits. If he wanted to teach them to get along in the world, he should start by teaching them manners and a few other social graces, don’t you think?
Catherine: Your pain and anger are understandable, but your reaction just made the situation worse. Speaking about someone in a language he/she doesn’t understand is not only rude, but it also makes the perpetrator look like an uneducated bully. Although this might be the case, verbally reprimanding your son-in-law only puts him on the defensive. Without a chance to correct his mistake, he feels attacked and throws back another verbal retort in your direction.
Instead, try telling him that you feel hurt, embarrassed or left out when he speaks Spanish. When you explain your feelings, it takes away the attacking words. This might not ease the tension between you and your daughter’s family, but at least it will not intensify a hostile situation.
You have a choice. You can hold on to your bitter feelings and sever the relationship between you and your daughter’s family. Or you can let this incident go and commit to responding honestly about how his actions impact you in a way that will diffuse his hostility.
Danny: Are you sure this is a family lunch? Yes, he and the giggling kids were rude. But there is much more that is wrong with this picture.
The problem here is not manners but the lack of relationships between you, him, them and the soft-spoken daughter who tried to change the subject instead of coach her kids. When “their” children become your grandkids, it will have a profound effect on how they manage the world. When the “Hispanic husband” becomes your son-in-law, you will have earned his respect and he yours.
Your daughter needs to speak up and handle this issue of talking behind your back in front of your face, but that’s a whole other column. Take this hypersensitive moment as a wake-up call to your inner grandmother and mother-in-law, and either warm up to your son-in-law and these kids or expect more of the same. Only one part of this dilemma is within your control.
Lily: Speaking Spanish in the presence of those who don’t understand it is wrong, disrespectful and a violation of common courtesy.
You cannot control your son-in-law, but you can continue to ask him to respect you and your home. It’s simple: Your house, your rules. If he still deliberately speaks to his kids in Spanish and doesn’t fill you in on what’s going on, you will have to tell him that he is not welcome in your home. This may mean not seeing your daughter or your grandchildren for a while, but maybe then they will all see that you are serious about your request.
We want your questions! Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202. Visit Lily, Catherine and Danny online at DallasNews.com/consejos.)
