Dear Amy: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years and have been living with him for about a year. About three months ago, he was diagnosed with a debilitating genetic disease. Before he found out that he had the disease, he was against marriage, but he told me that he might change his mind.
After he was diagnosed, he told me that he never wanted to get married to anyone.
Now that he is getting sicker and I’ve told him that I want to leave him, he is changing his tune and wants to marry me.
At the age of 30, I never envisioned myself as someone else’s caretaker, but I owe him a lot of money that he lent me to pay off my credit-card debt.
So far, he has been the best boyfriend I have ever had. Before he got sick, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
I know that I am not the best person in the world because I want to leave him, but am I crazy to want to do so? I am seeing a therapist, but it is still not helping what I feel in my heart. What do you think?
– Running
Dear Running: Therapy can do a lot of things for you, but it isn’t designed to make you feel better when you are in the midst of doing a bad thing to someone else. Therapy can make you understand your choices and motivations. It’s up to you to figure out what to do with that knowledge.
Naturally, your boyfriend’s illness will influence both of your points of view, but you don’t mention how you would react to this if you two had married before his diagnosis. Would you still be “running” then? Obviously, that’s an open question, but don’t make your decision to leave contingent on his flip-flopping on the marriage issue. That’s just passing the buck.
All relationships have their own “for better or for worse” components. Your boyfriend’s only crimes are lending you money, being the best boyfriend you’ve ever had, and getting a degenerative disease. He deserves better.
If you intend to leave him, then leave him, but please don’t abandon him. You also must pay back every penny of the money you owe him.
…
Dear Amy: What is the appropriate thing to do regarding gift giving for birthday parties that a child is not able to attend? Earlier this year, I was called out of town for more than a week for my father’s illness and death, and I had not yet purchased gifts for two parties that were to occur the following weekend. My kids (ages 4 and 6) traveled to their grandfather’s funeral, so they didn’t attend the parties.
In another situation, we were out of town for another child’s birthday party. I let the parent know far in advance that we wouldn’t be able to attend. Should I have purchased a gift for this child too? My husband says that we should follow the same rules as for weddings, where a gift is given whether one attends the event or not.
Most of these parties are for 15-plus kids. Should it matter whether the birthday boy or girl is a close friend or just a classmate whom they don’t see otherwise? If one is the party thrower, is there any obligation to provide a favor/goody bag for a child who couldn’t attend the party because of sickness, but who gave a gift?
– Trying to Do the Right Thing
Dear Trying: Wow. You sure make “trying to do the right thing” sound very hard, though I have to admit that I have had every single one of these questions myself.
Here’s what I’ve figured out: Children’s birthday parties are not weddings.
If your child can’t make it to a CLOSE friend’s birthday, then it would be thoughtful of you and your child to deliver a gift at another time (without the expectation of a goody bag). Otherwise, it’s not necessary to deliver a present if the child misses the event.
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