Q: I have a bit of a problem and need some advice.
My brother and I had a bit of a rough childhood. My mother left when we were kids. Years of family problems have taken their toll on the both of us.
However, my problem really isn’t with my brother. It’s with the rest of my family.
Any time something bad happens in my brother’s life my family fawns over him, making excuses and just in general doing anything he needs (ordering pizza, making dinner, doing his laundry). Their reasoning is that he has “had a hard life” since my mom left.
My brother is a grown adult and really doesn’t need this, but he feeds off of the attention that he gets from it.
Any time I have a problem (like for example when I had to work 40 hours a week on top of going to school fulltime while my brother sat around playing video games and going to school for nine hours a week) and ask for help, my family freaks out and tells me that I’m being selfish and I should consider my brother’s needs.
My brother is completely capable of helping himself, but because he gets all this . . . shall we say attention, he doesn’t.
It makes me want to scream!
Then, whenever my brother is mentioned in conversation I always get the same speech about how HIS life has been so hard since HIS mom left and how they worry about him all the time. (My mom left 11 years ago and has since rekindled her relationship with both my brother and myself.)
When I try and tell them that it hurts me when they just assume that my mom’s leaving didn’t effect me, they tell me I’m acting like a baby and need to consider how my brother feels.
I’m on the verge of a very ugly lashing out at my family. It’s not like he was the only person affected by my mom leaving.
I’m not saying that they shouldn’t worry about him. I’m just mad that they continue to baby him.
Am I being childish and pitiful? How do I prevent myself from this huge ugly outbreak that’s boiling under the surface?
Thanks so much.
SCOTT:What you’re really trying to say is: 1) your brother is a loser and 2) you’re hurt that your family won’t validate that your life hasn’t been any easier than his.
There’s nothing you can do about the former. As you know, your adult brother is in control of his own life, which, for now consists of being coddled by the family and mastering video games.
And as if that weren’t enough, he still manages to make extra time for – that’s right – pizza!! Uh yeah, not much is gonna change there.
Now for the latter.
Don’t lash out at your family. Why, so you could appear immature and selfish? Take a look how far you’ve come!.
You’ve got it together, worked, went to school, etc. all while overcoming adversity. So be your assertive mature self when it comes to dealing with them.
If you really need to address the issue, explain how you’ve been hurt that they’ve favored your brother over you while dismissing your feelings. My guess is they still won’t see the light, but it could still be healing for you to say it anyway.
Either way, you don’t need their pity (unlike your brother) and thank God for that.