Dear Amy: I just received an e-mail from my 80-year-old mother. The following is part of what she wrote.
“When a member quits the church, the church withdraws from him if he cannot see the light and come back. At this time I have to withdraw from you. I love you very much. Please take this the way it was meant – to make you realize you are lost and must consider coming back to Christ and His church.” I left the church when I left home at 18; I’m now 58. I guess this means she won’t be seeing my 7-month-old granddaughter or my daughter and her husband anymore.
My daughter has never been to church. I saved her from this kind of lunacy.
It also means that my mother’s cut herself off from her entire family.
What should I tell my daughter and son-in-law? What should I say to my mother?
– Stunned
Dear Stunned: If your 80-year-old mother is suddenly behaving strangely, then you should investigate the possible causes before writing her off.
If this is the first time your mother has threatened to withdraw from you, then aren’t you curious about what might be going on with her? She may have fallen under the sway of a charismatic preacher; she may be going through a rough time personally, or have the beginnings of dementia.
Before you prepare speeches to other members of your family decrying this “lunacy,” you should do your best to get to the bottom of what might be behind your mother’s pronouncement.
You should make a special effort to see your mother in person to find out what is going on. You can start your conversation by saying, “Mom, I’m worried about you; the e-mail you sent to me doesn’t even sound like you. What’s going on?” You could check in with her friends and physicians to see if there are any recent changes in her health and look into her finances to make sure that her church contributions are in the normal range.
If you are confident that your mother is of sound mind and that she really does want to cut herself off from you because of this, then you have to accept it.
Because of her age I hope that you will do your best to try to keep in touch with her.
…
Dear Amy: I am a 27-year- old woman who was, until recently, in a relationship with “Steve.” Our relationship didn’t go much further than a kiss good night, but I respected him all the same. We both enjoyed being in each other’s company, and I loved him passionately. He recently left me for a man.
Amy, I am confused and I confronted him. I asked him if he was bisexual and he said he didn’t believe in bisexuality, and had been “toying” with the idea of whether or not he was gay for the past few years, having recently decided that he was. He admitted that if he had known he was gay, he never would have gone out with me in the first place, but he hopes to keep our friendship.
Amy, what can I do? I can’t just let this go. I still have feelings for this man. I really thought he was “the one.” This new discovery has really hurt me, and I am sad that he did not relay his confusion about his own “sexuality” with me.
Amy, I have tried looking into other men, but I keep thinking about Steve! What can I do?
– Hopeless in Maryland
Dear Hopeless: I have a news flash for you. There are times when you can’t do a darn thing. Steve’s sexuality doesn’t have anything to do with you, and though it might have been easier on you if this relationship hadn’t dragged on for a year, it sounds like he has done his best to be honest. He tried to have a relationship with you and it didn’t work out.
The next time you’re with a fabulous guy for a good length of time, who clearly isn’t interested in you sexually, you should ask him if a sexual relationship is in the cards.
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