Q: Whenever we have dinner with my wife’s parents at either their home or ours, my mother-in-law berates our teen son and daughter about their table manners. It makes the meals unpleasant for all of us, but it is a nightmare for the children. We have taught them proper manners, but like most teens and many adults they are not perfect.
My wife says this is just the way her mother has always been, and she is not going to change, and she has just learned to be oblivious to it. She may be oblivious, but I am not, and neither are our kids. They are beginning to grumble about ever having dinner with their grandparents again, which is sad. However, I am hesitant to try to intervene, especially when my wife says that would not do any good.
– A.C.
A: Work with your children. Explain that though Grandma may seem like a nag now, they will have the distinct advantage of knowing the rules of good table manners in formal dining situations.
Make a plan that will let your teens profit, literally, from Grandma’s concern for manners. Buy a book on etiquette and go over it with them. Tell each that if he or she escapes Grandma’s criticism on her next visit you will give him or her a significant cash prize.
Each time Grandma visits use this strategy to turn her concern for manners into benefits for your teens. Many colleges and some employers have study groups to teach good manners. Your young adults will be comfortable in any meal setting and confident they know the rules.
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Q: My 16-year-old daughter recently told me she is gay, which I had long suspected. I can accept this, and it does not affect my love for her. Yet I also have a 14-year-old daughter. I can only afford a two-bedroom apartment, so the girls share a room. My younger daughter is aware, loves her sister and has no problem continuing to share.
But it causes me concern. The only alternative I can think of is to move one of the girls into my room, but which one? If they continue to share, should my younger daughter change in the bathroom? My younger daughter thought this idea was ridiculous. When she has friends over for sleep- overs should I let the friends’ mothers know, to make sure they have no objection? I would have serious concerns about permitting my daughter to sleepover in this situation.
– K.K.
A: Don’t disrupt your daughters sleeping arrangements. Contact Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays for support and the chance to discuss your worries. Talk with other parents of gays.
Efforts to separate your daughters’ routines are impractical and unnecessary. Your daughter’s orientation is a private matter, not one you are obligated to announce to others. You should know your older daughter well enough to know she is not predatory.
Write Cathleen Brown care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202, or CABrown500@yahoo.com.
