Dear Amy: I have been writing to a pen pal for four years who lives 3,000 miles away and is married. He sought out a pen pal shortly after he retired. I am 52 and have been divorced for years. I tried to find new love but to no avail. I have done my share of Internet dating and kissed many frogs.
Friends come and friends go, but for some reason this pen pal stuck. There is something he likes about me, so he keeps writing back. His marriage has been going downhill since he retired. We have never met and probably never will.
Of course, he’s married. Dr. Phil would tell him a relationship is like a garden, and if you want it to flourish, you have to tend it. And you would tell him you aren’t supposed to do anything that would hurt your spouse’s feelings. But I won’t tell him this, or I will lose my only safe friend and confidant. I hate that my closest friend belongs to somebody else and that I am committing some sin by staying in contact with him.
– Lonely
Dear Lonely: Have you thought of getting another pen pal? Preferably one who is available? Or perhaps this gentleman’s being attached (or claims to be) and living 3,000 miles away is what attracts you. You call him a “safe friend.” What is that? Another statement leaps out: “Friends come and friends go.” Do they? In many lives, lovers, pen pals, goldfish, colleagues and exes come and go, but friends stay.
Pen-paling doesn’t seem to be your way out of loneliness. This relationship is isolating you when healthy, up-close ones make a person grow and crow. You don’t need more online dating and frog-kissing. You need a real friend. Get to the bottom of what’s going on. A therapist may help.
If you are interested in reading the true story of a chaste and touching correspondence that spanned 3,000 miles and two decades, read one of my favorite books – the charming “84, Charing Cross Road,” by Helene Hanff (Penguin, $13 paper). Hanff’s correspondence with a married English bookseller is a great example of how pen pals can have a friendship that enhances – rather than diminishes – both their lives.
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Dear Amy: I agree with “George’s Wife,” who disliked it that her husband didn’t shave on the weekends. Why should she never get to see her husband closely shaven and looking nice? Why should she see him always sloppy, and the people at work get to see the nice-looking husband? That’s not fair to her – and who is he trying to impress? Obviously not his wife.
My husband likes to look nice for me.
– Happy Wife
Dear Happy: I have to admit I thought part of the beauty of a life partner was not having to impress her all the time – and she would still see the beauty behind the stubble. But you are right – impressing your partner at least part of the time is not only wise but also kind.
Now I’ve got the full 100 percent.
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Dear Amy: I read the letter from “Sleepless in Virginia” with a chuckle. My husband and I both love cocooning in the blankets, and we both “sprawl” all over the bed. My husband hit on a solution: a bigger blanket! We now have a king-size duvet on a queen-size bed. There is a good 14 inches of blanket hanging over the sides, which is plenty for a partial cocoon. The rest has simply self-corrected as we have each learned to cope with an “extra” body in the bed.
-Married for Six Months
Dear Married: May you both cope with having an “extra” body in the bed for years to come.
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