Dear Amy: I am a recent college graduate with a decent job, an apartment, a loving boyfriend and wonderful friends. My parents divorced seven years ago, and my mother died almost two years ago. My father, 50, has dated a woman, 40, for more than two years. Recently they became engaged. My family and I are happy about this.
They have been lying about the reason for marrying. She became pregnant two months ago, and they decided to have the baby without mentioning it to anyone else – then announced their engagement. My father expected me to be happy and supportive. Instead, I was furious.
I don’t know what to do or how to back such an irresponsible decision at this point in their lives. I can’t stop thinking he will be 70 when this child goes to college; how he or she will grow up with no siblings, grandparents or cousins of like age.
This is supposed to be the time for me to start a family. It disgusts me that a child I may have will be the same age as my child’s uncle or aunt.
– Devastated and Confused
Dear Devastated: You seriously need to rethink your stance. Your father and his fiancée don’t need your permission to have a baby. It is common practice to wait until a pregnancy is two to three months along before announcing it to anyone.
The situation that so appalls you is common. Fathering a baby at 50 and giving birth at 40 are not unusual. It’s certainly not disgusting, and your calling it that will embarrass you later.
Your father’s child will have family. He or she will have you, for instance. Any grandchildren your father is lucky enough to have will be in the same generation as this child.
I can tell you’re hurt and jealous that your father is somehow stealing your baby-thunder. This a natural reaction, but don’t react further until you can get it together. You’ll understand this when you have your own children. Every child is a gift to a family. The only appropriate way to respond to the news that someone is having a baby is “Congratulations!”
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Dear Amy: I can relate to the mother who lets her 9-year-old daughter sleep with her. My husband and I divorced when my daughter was 2, and she slept with me to soothe her anxiety. Every year, we would strike a deal to make her sleep in her bed; one year it was new bedding and a doll, the next it was something else.
I should have nipped it in the bud, but I let her sleep with me until she was 10. I bought her an alarm clock that she picked out.
It worked! To my surprise, she sets it an hour earlier than she needs to be up. She loves that she is dressed and ready to go in the morning. I wish I had tried this years ago.
– Beverly
Dear Beverly: Take heart: If you had tried the alarm clock method years ago, it might not have worked. I have heard from many parents who co-sleep with children, and there is a common thread to the letters.
According to my unscientific evidence, kids who co-sleep tend to leave the bed on their own at about 10. There must be a developmental and emotional milestone that children reach that tells them it’s time to strike out on their own. Other parents say they didn’t sweat it at all – and the child started sleeping alone at about the 10-year mark.
My original point is that families should do what works for them. If parents don’t want to co-sleep, they should encourage their children to be brave enough to sleep on their own – and it’s best to start that early.
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Dear Amy: More on bridesmaids’ dresses. My daughter asked several family members and friends to be bridesmaids. Most of these women were married and professional women.
The reception was an evening event, and each bridesmaid chose and bought her own black dress, of any style. Everyone looked great, and each person could wear her dress again.
– Proud Mom
Dear Mom: This is a great solution. Thanks for sharing it.
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