Dear Amy: I have been married for 20 years and love my husband and children.
I became emotionally involved with a man I work with. We shared intimate details of our lives, and I feel that he listened to me in a way my husband never could.
My husband discovered this relationship, and we began marriage counseling. I vowed to him that I would sever this relationship but have found that to be impossible.
I am miserable about continuing to deceive my husband and disappointed in my lack of willpower. Could this behavior be considered an addiction?
– Bewildered
Dear Bewildered: Yes. Your behavior could be considered an addiction.
Now, what are you going to do about it? Addicts who want to recover say things like, “I am miserable about continuing to deceive my husband and disappointed in my lack of willpower.” It’s time to get yourself into rehab.
For you, “rehab” means going to counseling and exercising a measure of restraint while you explore what is really going on in your life and why you choose to be enveloped in an emotional connection outside of your family. You might benefit from reading “Is It Love or Is It Addiction?” by psychotherapist Brenda Schaeffer (1997, Hazelden).
Addicts also have to remove themselves from the source of their addiction to work toward recovery. If this guy is the emotional equivalent of a hit of meth for you, then it’s time to figure out how to cut the supply. You may need to change jobs.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let the recovery begin!
…
Dear Amy: A few months ago, my father told me he has an account that my mother doesn’t know about that he uses to bet on poker online.
He says the reason she doesn’t know about this is because online transactions make her nervous. I doubt this. Every time they travel, they book their tickets online.
All of this raises troubling questions about the extent of my father’s gambling and the state of their marriage. I’m not sure what to think.
I know there are times when he is online for hours. But my mom handles all the bills in the household. I can’t imagine how he could be funneling large amounts of money into an account without her knowing; as far as I know, she is careful with every dime they make.
I don’t know if the fact that he gambles online is a secret to her but it sure sounds that way. Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I think that’s quite a secret to keep in a relationship, particularly a 30-year marriage. I am concerned about the gambling itself and wonder how bad it must be for him to feel he needs to keep it from my mother.
Sooner or later she will find out. I feel like I’ll be the target of her anger and disappointment for not saying anything.
I thought about asking him to tell her, but he is really argumentative, not a fan of other peoples’ suggestions, and he and I don’t have a lot of alone time.
– Can’t Win
Dear Can’t: I wonder why your father told you about his gambling.
Could it be that he wants help? That’s one way to begin this conversation.
You: “Dad, why did you tell me about your online poker habit?” He: “I don’t know why. Just forget about it.” You: “Well, I can’t forget about it. And you know I can’t keep something this important from Mom, right?” He: “Yes you can.” You: “No, actually, I can’t. So you have to tell her about this, or I’ll have to. I’m worried about you, Dad.” Your father could be hiding his spending in myriad ways. For information on compulsive gambling, you can log onto Gam-Anon.org.
Gam-Anon is devoted to education and treatment for addicted gamblers and the people who care about them.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
