Women are givers. Moms sacrifice for their children, their husbands and, as they get older, often for their parents. Sandwiched between needs of kid AND parents all at once, we then add the demands of work, friends, family life – it can make for one frazzled female.
Women definitely need to nurture themselves, which ultimately provides more energy for quality interaction with others. The formula is simple: Self care plus creating healthy boundaries equals increased energy, stamina and vitality.
So why don’t we do it?
Nuturing, comforting, caring, providing – it’s all wonderful, until it’s too much. We need to alter the mind-set that we must be martyrs to be good mothers, wives, daughters. We must grasp the concept that, just like a healthy body will soon die when dehydrated, spirits wither when our energy is sapped.
The best givers are those who know when and how to give to themselves and of themselves.
Making the time to do this one thing for yourself will almost ensure more playing and less yelling with your kids, more patience with the husband and increased reverence for the parents. In short, it will allow you to soak in the bounty that life has afforded you, instead of taking these gifts for granted. Giving to yourself will make you want to give to others, rather than feel a sense of duty to do so.
But our old patterns are so engrained. How do we break out? It won’t be easy, but constant focus, effort and attention and choosing to create new patterns will be the key to change.
To get started:
Take small steps. It’s difficult to change a long-held belief system. Give yourself a break and realize it takes time. Whenever you find yourself fretting, thinking you’ll never change, or wondering why it’s taking so long – remember it has taken a lifetime to develop your habits. While it only will take a fraction of that time to change those habits, it still demands your best effort and intention.
When it seems progress is dodging you or you’d just like to see more of it – assess your situation. The mere fact that you notice the old pattern is a victory. Feel the disappointment that may accompany that realization and strive to make a change next time. Beating yourself up only will foster internal rebellion when you need to move forward. So relax, enjoy the small triumphs and focus on growth.
Set goals. You can’t take steps – even small ones – if you don’t have an endpoint. Know what you’re striving for and keep that in the forefront. Maybe it’s to spend more time with girlfriends, or read the book that’s been on your nightstand the past year. Perhaps it’s having 10 minutes to yourself every morning, or taking daily power walks. Maybe it’s a vacation with no one but you. Whatever your dream, make it a goal, with the end product being self- nurturing. What will it take to renew your spirit? Only you can answer that question, and the answer will provide the endpoint. From that, you can create a roadmap to get there.
Create boundaries. To ensure the people around you buy in to your new attitude, make sure you know when to say “no!” You may realize that you need more self-nurturing, but your family, friends and co-workers may be used to “Yes, I can do that” or “Staying late won’t be a problem” or “no worries, let me take care of that for you.”
No go. Practice saying “no” in front of a mirror if you have to- whatever it takes to build confidence. Make a commitment to pause before offering assistance. Use that time to assess: Will taking this action take me closer to my goals? These thoughts may seem selfish in the moment, but trust that small gestures eventually add to your self-care, which in turn provides more energy for the things that matter most.
Assess what will happen if you don’t do this task. Are you imagining the consequences to be larger than they appear? It will be uncomfortable, but making these assessments will propel your ability to nurture those you love by making sure you care for yourself.
Keep trying. I can’t emphasize enough that it will take time. Keep at it. Know that the result will be a healthier, happier you and well-adjusted relationships that nurture you. The reward is worth it – are you willing to accept the challenge?
Doni Luckett is chief executive of Divine-Basics.com, which produces lifestyle products to reconnect with moments that matter. Your questions may be addressed in the column by e-mailing enrichyourlife@divine-basics.com.
