Dear Amy: At my annual summer picnic, a childhood friend divulged to my sister that he is gay. In fact, he acted as if she should have known, but it came as a big surprise to all of us.
This revelation has seriously confused me. This is a guy I was a good friend with in high school.
At one time, he proclaimed his love for me! I don’t know that I care so much about the gay part. The deception may bother me more.
On the other hand, my husband, who was also in the same group of friends in high school, has issues with the gayness. At first, my husband said that my friend should be removed from our picnic invite list.
Through conversations, he has adjusted to the fact that it’s a once-a-year event and that he can cope with this person’s presence.
I don’t see this person frequently – maybe once or twice a year and mostly by chance.
Should I even try to keep this friendship alive? Or is it even a friendship at this point?
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: Viewing your family’s response to this news, you’re still wondering why your friend didn’t disclose his homosexuality earlier? Just hearing about your family picnic makes me want to jump into the closet – and I’m not even gay.
By your own account, you don’t have an active friendship with this childhood friend, and because you haven’t done anything in the past to “keep it alive,” I can’t imagine why you would start now.
I find myself hoping that your old pal learns about your family’s reaction to his sexuality – giving him the opportunity to avoid this event next year.
…
Dear Amy: I am a 25-year-old woman.
For a year or so I’ve been friends with a man 17 years older who was getting a divorce. We went out as friends at first. Then we began dating.
Throughout this time I had been living with my mother, and every time that I would go out with “Jim,” she would express disapproval or just not speak to me afterward.
It got so bad that I felt I had to lie every time we went out, and even to the point that I packed up a few bags and left home for almost two months. For part of the time, I lived with Jim, but it put so much stress on us that we broke up. I spent some time sleeping on friends’ couches until I broke down and went back home.
I have tried to remain friends with Jim. He still has feelings for me, and sometimes I still have them for him, but I am too afraid of my mother and having to leave home for a relationship that I am not sure will work out because it never has been a normal relationship.
I am tired of feeling like I have to lie. I feel that both of them are pulling on me to do what they want.
I want to be able to make my own decisions without repercussions.
– Two Different Directions
Dear Different: If you’re tired of lying, then stop lying. If you can’t live at home with your mother, then move out. When you move out, you need to do so in an organized fashion by finding a place of your own – not bouncing around from couch to couch – (you could rent a room in a group house). You also need to make sure that you can support yourself.
You should do much more than observe your life as if it is a movie and you’re a ticket-holder.
It’s time to get your equity card, girl, and become the hero of your own story.
You will note that I don’t mention either your mother or your inappropriate relationship in this scenario – and that’s because it’s time for you to take charge and get your act together without regard to this personal tug of war.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
