Q: I met the cousin of my best friend’s wife last summer. My friends were born in Guatemala, but they have been U.S. citizens for decades. The cousin has lived in Guatemala all her life and was visiting my friends, who set us up.
We are both in our 50s with grown children. We dated for a week while she was here, then I visited her for almost a month. We have e-mailed daily, talked multiple times and have fallen in love, which is a rarity for me.
Practically speaking, do you think we could have a future together?
Our ages and families are one factor. She has an elderly mother, three children and one grandchild; I have two kids in their early 20s. Also, we have each lived in our respective countries our entire lives. Her English is almost at bilingual level, but I don’t speak Spanish. I can’t really consider living in another country, and we haven’t discussed whether she’d live in the United States.
A friend told me that at our ages, one doesn’t get married solely for love. What do you think?
Danny: Regardless of your age, no marriage can survive solely on love. Besides distance, your situation is complicated by the additional challenges of kids, an elderly parent, two separate countries and cultures, and a tiny bridge over the language barrier.
Yes, these obstacles can all be overcome, but what’s love got to do with it? You love her, she loves you, right? But you won’t consider moving to be near her. Aha! This particular love seems to have some conditions attached.
And have you asked her what it is about you that would make her want to abandon her current life? If love is her answer, then you’ll know this relationship is based on little more than a whim. Now what? Dig deep, my friend, and use love to make the right choice.
Catherine: Marriage does feed on love, but you need to redefine the word. A marriage is doomed to fail if “love” solely means the excitement of being together, the mutual affection you share and the comfort of companionship.
However, define love as “truly looking out for the best interest of another person, even if it means discomfort for you.” Does this accurately describe your feelings?
Also, slow down. Realize that long-distance relationships capture only glimpses of what life will be like together. Take your time to get to know this woman and ask yourself whether you would be willing to truly, selflessly love her.
Lily: You should definitely spend more time getting to know this woman. Once the honeymoon is over, see if y’all still have sparks.
I would love to tell you that people stay in love, that those cute e-mails keep coming, that those city-to-city drives or country-to-country flights are always viewed with enthusiasm and not as a burden, that you will never take each other for granted.
Alas, no one can guarantee this. And rather than see you holding nothing but your copy of “The Tao of Pooh,” I have to advise you to let time be the ultimate judge of this relationship. If your mutual feelings are still as intense as ever after a year, that’s when you have to make the decision to commit to a full-time relationship or call it a day.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, care of Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
