Dear Amy: My husband and I have a preschool-age daughter. My husband’s behavior since we had a child has become hurtful.
He is increasingly withdrawn and grumpy with us. He shows little interest in her. There’s the occasional hug or tickle, but more often he ignores her until she does something that deserves a reprimand, which he is quick to give.
It has caused me to contemplate divorce, but the truth is, I still love my husband.
Would our little girl do well being raised by an emotionally unavailable father on a full-
time, daily basis? Or would she be better off if I raised her alone and she saw him on a visitation schedule? At what point does a grumpy, disinterested dad at home cause more harm than good? I have repeatedly asked him to go for counseling, and he has refused. He told me he doesn’t have the emotional desire to be a “real dad” but plans to meet his “obligations” to his daughter, even if it feels like a chore.
It’s very sad. She’s a lovely child.
– Sad Mom
Dear Mom: You see your choices as being between living with an emotionally unavailable and neglectful husband and dad or leaving him.
Both options will be rough on your daughter – unless her father’s parenting improves. She will pick up her cues for how to relate to men from her father, and he is setting a terrible example.
Every family deserves at least one hero, and very lucky children are raised by two parents who are mature, loving and emotionally available.
Your husband’s refusal to be a “real dad” makes me wonder what his own childhood was like. Being emotionally engaged with a child is a wonderful but potentially risky state for someone who is afraid of rejection.
It is possible that you could encourage him to be more open by “catching him” being a successful dad and praising what he does well. He might become more involved and interested if he and his daughter had at least one activity that they did together without your being there.
However, it is not your daughter’s job to change her father’s life.
Nor is it your job to force him into functioning fatherhood. Leaving him should be the last resort, but in my view, living in a home with one competent and loving parent is preferable to living with two parents in an atmosphere of neglect and discord.
…
Dear Amy: I think that your advice to the daughters who went into their mother’s home and cleaned out “all” of their mother’s perfumes, along with the “huge basket of toiletries,” was dead wrong.
That mother is clearly either a pack rat or is suffering from early dementia. Who, in this era, has a collection of perfumes sitting around, let alone a basket of toiletries that no one has bothered to put away? How long has that basket been sitting there? This messy mother could have obsessive-compulsive disorder or early dementia.
This mother has a house that is now embarrassingly unclean to her daughters.
My guess is that, in addition to removing the perfume collection, they also had to “deep clean” the scum from the kitchen and bathrooms.
– Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: Well, I, for one, have a collection of perfumes sitting around, and I certainly hope that my daughter doesn’t view this as a sign of OCD or early dementia.
In the letter you are referring to, the mother had a husband at home who didn’t seem to think that their home was too messy.
People should have a right to keep things in their home (as long as these collections don’t interfere with their health) – even if these things don’t appeal to their children.
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