Dear Amy: Soon I will be giving birth to my first child. My husband and I are very fortunate to have many family members who have been involved in my pregnancy. They call regularly, asking about my health and if we need anything.
One person who is missing, however, is my father. He and my mom divorced when I was 12, after he had an affair and abruptly left us.
The way he handled that situation, as well as his lifelong alcoholism, has made it difficult for me to have a relationship with him. I have tried. He has been almost absent from my life. It’s as if he has random, widely spaced-apart times of clarity when he remembers that he has a daughter.
I had been calling him regularly throughout the first few months of my pregnancy, but I gave up because his behavior was so unpredictable.
He fluctuated from great enthusiasm to silence to apathy. I guess it is the alcoholism that causes those extreme highs and lows. The problem is that when I stopped calling after every appointment, he made no effort to get in touch with my husband or me. It is very hurtful. I wrote to him and told him so, and he has not responded.
I have asked him to stop drinking and to go to counseling – all to no avail. I feel that every happy event in my life is marred by his need to make it awkward. He acts as if the world has to revolve around him and his misery.
My response to his ignoring the upcoming birth of our baby is one of great sadness, but that is turning to anger as each day passes.
How do I handle this?
– Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt and Confused: Your sadness over the less- than-wonderful relationship with your father is completely understandable, but your expectations are very inflated.
This is a man who has never been willing or able to pay consistent attention to you. Now you are setting yourself up for more disappointment (and setting him up for failure) by expecting him to suddenly become a different person.
It won’t happen. Your father is what he is. The way for you to “protect” your child from your father is to understand and accept his considerable flaws while letting other family members rise to the occasion and surround you with love.
You will demonstrate to your son that even when family members aren’t perfect – or even adequate – you accept that which you cannot change with dignity. Your father needs counseling. But you can’t make him go. Hmmm.
There’s someone else in the room that also needs counseling and support. But you can make her go. A group for adult children of alcoholics would be very helpful.
…
Dear Amy: I’m sure you’ll get many responses to the letter from “Well-Spoken in Washington,” and here’s mine.
There is no need to correct the grammar of a friend or a spouse unless one is trying to hurt the relationship. It will most likely be perceived as condescending and rude, because it is.
The spouse probably knows her grammar is not perfect, just as many people are well aware of their own flaws.
– AMH
Dear AMH: Well said.
Thank you.
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