Q: Dear Scott: My ex-girlfriend recently moved back to town. Right before she moved back, she e-mailed a co-worker of mine and asked if I was dating anyone. The co-worker forwarded it on to me, and within minutes, my ex sent me the same e-mail. I told her about the friend I had been casually “seeing,” and how I ended it. That night on the telephone, she asked the big question: Had I slept with the woman? Again, none of her business, really, but since she asked I felt the right thing to do was tell her. Yes … a couple of times. As you could imagine, she didn’t take it real well.
When I told some friends about this, the responses ranged from “good for you for being honest” to “what the heck is she asking you that for?” to “oh, man … you should’ve told her NO!” My therapist said I did the right thing, but perhaps I should’ve said “are we having an ‘us’ conversation right now? Why do you ask?” Regardless, she would’ve found out eventually and I figured it’d be better if it was from me.
Clearly, my ex was testing me to see if I’d tell the truth about the other lady. Do you feel my honesty went too far? Damned if you do and damned if you don’t?
SCOTT: When you and your ex broke up, you became a free agent. She moved away, you met someone new and engaged in sex. That happens. But when she inquired about the other girl, you chose to tell her the truth. Solid move dude!
Yes, you could’ve told her it wasn’t any business of hers but we’re talking about someone you obviously want to be with and that would’ve gone over like a lead balloon. Great, OK, so you did the right thing.
Keep on with your honesty and be consistent. Good things happen to good people but sometimes it takes time.