Dear Amy: I am a 65-year- old widow, mother of five and grandmother of 18.
For the past three years I’ve been seeing a widower. Early in our relationship, we decided that neither of us wanted to get married for financial reasons.
We maintain separate living arrangements but do travel together. My children do not have a problem with this arrangement. It does concern me, however, about the message this sends to my grandchildren.
I have asked this gentleman to participate in a “Partner Commitment” ceremony administered by my pastor to be attended by both of our families. He has not given me an answer, and I suspect that it is because not all of his family approves of our relationship.
His grandson requested that I not attend his college graduation, and a family wedding invitation was addressed only to him.
My family has accepted this man with open arms; he is included in all family affairs.
I now have grave doubts about continuing our relationship. Am I being unreasonable?
– Worried
Dear Worried: It sounds to me as if this gentleman wants to date you. You say that you worry about the “message” this arrangement sends to your grandchildren, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what could possibly be “wrong” with two consenting adults … dating.
As in, seeing each other without marrying or living together.
You are asking your guy to marry you. That’s what a partner commitment ceremony – administered by a pastor and attended by both families – is. If he wants to marry you, he will – regardless of what some members of his family think. If he doesn’t want to marry you, he will say no, or he’ll hedge, or he’ll not give you an answer at all – as he’s doing now.
Like you, I also have grave doubts about the future of this relationship. But your personal integrity isn’t up for grabs. …
Dear Amy: I am responding to “No Transportation in Wis.,” whose husband kept refusing to get a driver’s license.
Is it possible that the husband, who will not get his license, is unable to read or has trouble reading? Many times people are “functionally illiterate” even though they are quite bright and are able to hide their problem. They feel terribly embarrassed about it.
The husband could also have an undisclosed vision problem. The bride should check these things out.
– Literacy Supporter in Calif.
Dear Literacy Supporter: Dozens of sharp readers wrote in suggesting that this husband might have reading problems, vision problems or perhaps dyslexia or another “processing” learning issue.
This husband’s continued broken promises to get his driver’s license and his shame over not doing so suggest that he is wrestling with an issue much larger than his desire to make his wife’s life easier.
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