Dear Amy: Recently, I met an interesting, funny, kind and charming man. We started dating about two months ago. We have a wonderful time together, and there are all kinds of sparks of attraction. He says that we should “just have fun and see where the relationship goes.” Then I met his female roommate, and I felt an odd undercurrent about their closeness.
I asked him whether he and his “roomie” had ever been romantically linked, and he admitted that they had – for a year – but that he had hesitated to tell me.
When the relationship was over, he said, they had gone their separate ways until both needed someone to share the rent, and they moved in together again last year, as friends.
He has dated since, but they are best friends, and it is clear that his emotional compass is very sensitive to hers.
We’ve only been dating a short while, so perhaps I should just wait and see whether further red flags appear. He’s a great guy, and I don’t want to come across as overly suspicious. And I don’t wish to create a wedge in what is clearly a close friendship. But I also don’t want to further risk my heart if I’m just the one he kisses, then she’s the one he goes home to.
Do you have any counsel for me?
– The Woman He Kisses
Dear Woman: Your gut knows all. Not just what you had for dinner, mind you – but a lot of other stuff too. Pay attention.
I’ll try to pick up where your gut left off.
Anybody worth having is going to have emotional attachments to other people. He’ll have family members, friends and even exes he’s close to. The question is whether this other relationship interferes with the one you two are trying to have. Your unease tells me that it is. He should be as open as you need him to be in discussing this with you.
Your guy is right, however. You absolutely should “have fun and see where this relationship goes.” That’s what dating and getting to know somebody is all about.
Your instincts are to be wary, but don’t be so careful that you neglect to take some emotional risks – that’s the path to intimacy.
You need to figure out whether your guy is willing to take these risks too.
…
Dear Amy: I tend to receive numerous gift cards to a favorite restaurant that a friend and I enjoy patronizing.
When dining with this friend at this restaurant, she always lays the guilt trip on me when I pull out a gift card to pay for my half of the meal. She’ll say, “Aww, won’t you share?” I usually give in, and she ends up paying less while I pay more, while beforehand I was anticipating a “free” meal out.
What would you say is the correct protocol in this matter?
– Perplexed By Protocol
Dear Perplexed: Let’s walk through this. If your folks (for example) gave you $20 in an envelope to spend on restaurant meals instead of gift cards, would you be expected to always use them to treat your friend? I don’t think so.
These gift cards are virtual cash, when it comes to this particular restaurant, anyway.
The correct protocol is that friends shouldn’t beg, whine and guilt-trip people into picking up the dinner tab.
Now what’s your problem? You reward this kind of behavior when you give in to it.
Good friends are supposed to be comfortable with the idea that they can pay their own way most of the time, then fight over who gets to pick up the check and treat the rest of the time. If your assets are roughly equal, then you two should enjoy a healthy balance, with each of you treating the other now and then, and enjoying your meals – guilt-free.
…
Dear Amy: We received a wedding invitation this week that really surprised me. The front of the invitation was the usual format, but on the back there was a complete list of stores where the bride and groom were registered! Maybe I am old-fashioned, but this looks cheap and tacky.
Has it become accepted to share this information on a wedding invitation?
– Wondering About Weddings
Dear Wondering: The practice of including registry information with a wedding invitation has become more commonplace, judging from the mail I receive about it.
Here are some other things that have changed relatively recently: E-mail invitations and RSVPs, multiple wedding showers at which gifts are received, “money trees,” brides and grooms declaring that they will be returning their gifts after the wedding for their cash value, and brides who declare that their dress is more important than their guests.
Just because it’s happening doesn’t mean it’s right.
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