Dear Amy: I urgently need your advice.
I am married and have had a lover for
almost three years.
Now I want to break up with him. My needs have changed, and I don’t feel what I want to feel. He is reacting very badly, and I am afraid for my marriage, my safety and my children.
He is also married and has three children. He says he is so in love with me that I am his whole life. After three years, I think he deserves an explanation, but I cannot tell him the truth – that he just does not “rock my world” anymore.
He was extremely good to me all these three years, but I am really frightened. – Angela
Dear Angela: If you are afraid for your safety or the safety of your husband and children, then go to the police immediately. If your lover has threatened you, then swear out a restraining order against him and do everything possible to protect your family, including possibly relocating them for their own safety. Obviously, you’ll need to tell your husband about your affair, and I suggest that you do so immediately.
If you choose to endanger your family by leaving them in the dark about this, then you are not only a cheater, but also a menace and a danger to them.
Honestly, you engender absolutely no sympathy for how you break up with your lover, but because of the circumstances, perhaps a version of “It’s not you, it’s me” or “We both need to recommit to our families” would be better for everyone than “You no longer rock my world.”
Your choices and attitude about the impact of your choices on others make me shudder. If you were alone in this world, your actions wouldn’t matter, but I certainly hope that you get your act together; otherwise you might lose everything.
All of the people in your life deserve better.
Dear Amy: We lost our home as a result of Hurricane Wilma. It is being rebuilt. After two years of waiting patiently, we expect to be home by January.
Because our home was pretty much demolished, some friends have suggested that we have a housewarming party when we move back in.
Is this appropriate? If so, would it be tacky to register somewhere so that if people choose to bring a gift, it would be something we need? – Bella in South Florida
Dear Bella: I hope that you and your family will be able to ring in the New Year in your new home, and that the thoughts and prayers of others have been something of a comfort over the past two years.
I’m sure that your friends will enjoy celebrating along with you as you start the next phase of your life.
It’s a good idea to register somewhere in case people want to give you gifts, but you shouldn’t mention this on your invitation.
If people ask what you need, you can thank them for asking and then point them toward your registry. Your friends can help to put out the word in a similar, low-key fashion.
An alternative would be for friends to host a housewarming party on your behalf. Perhaps people could be asked to bring a household gift for you, along with another gift donated to a local charity for other storm victims who are still struggling.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
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AskAmy by Amy Dickinson
