With nearly 1.5 million cases of cancer diagnosed in the U.S. each year, it’s hard to find a family untouched by the disease.
When the statistic is someone you love, your immediate instinct probably is to help.
Your friend may be scared, just learning about the road ahead and digesting information in tiny bites. Being a good friend may involve a delicate dance with constantly changing steps.
We asked some folks dealing with cancer for their advice. All were totally open but asked that their full names not be used as they related tips about how best to help.Listen, don’t assume: When Jackie, 54, was diagnosed with Stage 3 ovarian cancer, a well-meaning friend
immediately wanted to rearrange her house, so she would be on one floor, with bathroom, kitchen and phone nearby. Jackie refused. “It felt like she was telling me I was going to die.”
Ask questions. Let the patient guide your actions.
Think about what you’re saying: One thing almost all patients talked about was this “simple” greeting: “How are you doing?”
If they say “fine,” it’s usually a lie. If they tell you in detail, it may be more than they want to say and you want to hear.
One caregiver offered that a better greetings might include “I’m so glad to see you!” or “I miss you!” or “I love you, and I’m so sorry you’re sick.” Or “I’d like to bring some zucchini bread by – is that something you can eat?” or “Great hat!”
Think about what you’re asking: A young woman, whose husband had colon cancer surgery and is undergoing chemotherapy, said she typically tells friends, “We’re doing well, moving ahead,” then she smiles and changes the subject.
Friends who press the issue make her feel like they’re asking if and when her husband will die. She is grateful for help their friends have given but says, “Sometimes I go to a different grocery store just so I won’t see people I know.”
Get ‘er done: Constantly, people ask: “What can I do?” But Maggie, 58, who is recovering from cancer surgery, says it’s easier if her friends figure out what they can do – give a massage, go to the store, babysit a child, pay the bills – and do it.
Food is love, in certain flavors: Food, often the first thing we think of, is usually welcome. But with various treatments and medications, appetites may change. “After surgery, food tasted funny for a while,” Maggie says.
Amy Bayer, a registered dietitian at Kaiser Permanente, advised asking patients what they want. Food may have to be bland or soft.
Maggie was delighted when a friend brought minestrone soup in single-serving containers to freeze. Kevin welcomed fresh fruit or bottles of “interesting juices” when he was being treated for pancreatic cancer.
And, please, bring your offerings in containers that don’t need to be returned.
Misery doesn’t always love company: Should you visit? Again, take the lead from the person and his family. And if you say you’ll come by, be there. “When people let you down, it’s devastating,” Kevin says. Sometimes, these visits meant his wife could get a break or go to the store. Don’t forget: Caregivers need help too.
Bearing cheerful gifts: If you want to take a gift, magazines or books often are welcome. Three patients we talked to wanted funny videos to watch.
Karen, who has had a recurrence of breast cancer, said her former college roommate has flowers delivered after each chemo treatment. Seeing a fresh, simple arrangement means she is loved, she says.
Bring positive energy, Kevin reminds: “Don’t talk about the problems in your life. I don’t want to discuss the war or global warming.”
It’s their decision, not yours: Once a person with cancer has decided on a treatment plan, support them. It’s difficult for a patient to hear: “That doctor (or hospital, etc.) is no good. You simply must fly to New York, India, Mexico!”
Remember, everybody reacts differently: Bev, 60, looked at her cancer as “the enemy,” wanted immediate surgery and chemo. But there were times when she couldn’t read about her diagnosis. “Not one more word. And I couldn’t deal with support groups for quite a while. You feel like cancer is an assault on you, and sometimes you can’t totally face it.”
Diane Hartman, a former Denver Post entertainment editor, is a principal in Hartman and Brown LLP.
What to do
Be the research person. Well-meaning friends bearing stacks of printouts are overwhelming. Find out what information the patient needs — clinical trials, etc. — and, if you’re using the Internet, make sure you’re going to reliable sites.
Be the e-mail person. Offer to send updates to a list of friends, perhaps suggesting how they can help. Websites like let people send wishes through a guest book, sign up to bring food, get e-mail updates and see what chores could be done. These all save the patient from answering a barrage of calls.
Do chores, clean the kitchen, take out the trash, shovel snow, rake the leaves, mow the lawn.
Keep track of flowers, meals and gifts, and write thank-you notes.
Heal with a hug, or a foot or back rub. Gentle touch is important to most of us.
Be an advocate. Hospital patients may need someone to act as their healthier double. If you’re very close, this may be a role you can play. You have to be willing to ask direct questions, be watchful about medications and strong enough to insist on what’s best for the patient.
Offer to go along to doctor’s appointments. Take notes or tape the conversation and be sure all questions are answered.
Make reservations. When he or she is able to get out, take your friend out to lunch.
What not to do
No feeling sorry. The mother of a 40-year-old man who recently died of colon cancer said more than anything, her son wanted people to act normally. “He didn’t want to turn into a cancer.”
Keep the quips to yourself. If a friend announces she has ovarian cancer, “bummer” is an inappropriate response. Ditto for, “Well, we all have to get something.” Also, save the “Get well soon” cards for people who aren’t facing a terminal diagnosis.
Leave the kids at home, and don’t visit if you’re sick. Your kid’s strep throat could kill a cancer patient.
Don’t be the stress. Even if your friend is the one you typically lean on to get you through tough times, this is the time to return the favor.
Don’t forget. Almost all patients mentioned that there is a flurry of attention at the beginning, but often people stop calling or sending cards after a while.
