Tony Nunzio and Tina Vitale are getting married. Alert the media.
“Last time I was asked to talk to the press, it certainly wasn’t about no wedding!” said a jittery Tony (a.k.a. Kevin Leonidas).
Relax, Tony. We didn’t say alert “the authorities.”
Tony and Tina have been getting married eight times a week since 1988, making “Tony N’ Tina’s Wedding” the longest-running comedy in off-Broadway history. In this unusual dinner spoof, audiences are the invited guests at a tacky Italian-American wedding all the way through to the reception — complete with dinner and cake.
It’s being brought back to Denver by Comedy Works from Tuesday through Dec. 2 at the 1770 Sherman Street Event Complex.
“I’m so excited for the big day but nervous as well, you know?” said Tina (a.k.a. Denise Fennell). “Hopefully Connie, my maid of honor, doesn’t drink all the liquor. The whole family will be there, and they are all a bit cuckoo. Thank God the cuckoo genes did not come my way!”
At the request of The Denver Post, the lovebirds have written their own vows. It’s a work in progress.
“I’m so nervous about the big day,” said Tina. “I ate two bags of double-fudge bonbons last night. Tony would kill me if he knew.”
Without further “I-do”:
Tina: “Tony, our bond is like the bond my real nails use to stick to my fake nails. It’s strong and lasts for two to three weeks, which is pretty good for glue. I promise to try and keep my luscious figure for you, and I promise to wear that one sweater more, the one that shows off my girls.
“And I want you to know something, Tony. If you ever killed somebody, I wouldn’t turn you in. I mean it. I would turn in your second cousin, Gino, but that’s a whole other pot of potatoes.
“Now, I read ‘Love Grows,’ a poem by Tina Vitale:
“Like the marigolds in the spring, love grows. In twinkling stars, when holding hands and kissing in cars, love grows. Especially when we are kissing in cars, love grows. God is the gardener in this field of love. We’re the seedlings that He waters from above. Like a meatball in my famous pasta dish, our love is dee-lish. Like the song from Stevie Wonder, you are the sunshine of my life. I’m looking forward to being your one and only wife.”
Tony: “I love you, Valentina Lynne. I love the scent of your bare skin. The way that you walk. The way that you talk. And boy, does she talk!
“Love is the thread that entwines us, you know? I had to look that word up — ‘entwines,’ not love. Love, I knew from the moment I saw you. I want you to know that I am glad you finally came around and said ‘yes’ when I asked you to be my wife.
“It’s nice to know you’ll always be there when I need somebody, even if it means bailing me out of jail or rubbin’ my toes that one certain way. And like I said, I’ll take care of the cold sore already.
“Now, let’s get to eating. We’re paying by the hour for this ballroom!”
John Moore: 303-954-1056 or jmoore@denverpost.com
Tony N’ Tina’s Wedding
Dinner comedy Presented by Comedy Works at the 1770 Sherman Street Event Complex. Starring Kevin Leonidas and Denise Fennell. Tuesday through Dec. 2. 7 p.m. Tuesday-Friday, 2 and 7 p.m. Saturday, 1 and 6 p.m. $65-$75, includes dinner. Call 303-595-3637 or go to .
