Dear Amy: I am nearly 60 years old, and one of my sisters is several years younger.
We both have grown children, and my problem is that I feel our parents have treated her children differently than they have treated mine.
On separate occasions when two of my sister’s children were headed to college, they approached my parents for a loan. One was lent $4,000, and the other child borrowed $6,500.
Both kids sent payments to my parents regularly and then, when they graduated from college and got married, my parents generously refunded these payments as a gift and forgave the balance of these loans.
After hearing of my parents’ generosity to these other children, I made a special point of mentioning that one of my children recently graduated from college (attending nights over a number of years while working full time).
I brought it up at least three times in hopes of receiving equitable treatment for this child. They didn’t even send a card. At the same time, my sister’s two younger children graduated and each received $300.
My parents are in their late 80s, still living in their home, but they need help with various tasks. I am one of four children and help them with odd jobs when I visit.
I am retired, living more than an hour away from them, and I visit three times a month. I don’t mind helping them out at all.
My sister, who lives five minutes away from them, visits weekly to arrange their medications. She also meets them a couple of times during the week for lunch.
My net worth is probably 10 times that of my sister’s. This is not a question of needing the money.
My questions are: 1. How do I reconcile the inequitable treatment of my children, and 2. How do I deal with my ill will toward my sister for using our parents in this manner? I love my sister and don’t want to be estranged from her when our parents are gone.
— Tired of Second Fiddle
Dear Second fiddle: Let me illustrate how dangerous it can be to keep score (as you are doing): You are retired and see your folks three times a month.
As far as I can tell, the great and regular bulk of seeing to your parents’ care is falling on your sister’s shoulders, who sees them at least three times a week.
As you are so aware of inequity, you should see that your family has received less, but then you also seem to do less.
I don’t see how your sister has “used” your parents; I see your parents as being generous in rewarding those grandchildren who have approached them for loans and then have assumed the responsibility to pay them back.
You need to work harder to get over this.
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