Dear Margo: I had been out of the dating scene for a while, but finally found someone I really like and think would be a good match for me. We get along great and I get the sense there is mutual interest. I have kept matters on a friendly basis thus far because (and herein lies my dilemma) her longtime boyfriend committed suicide a couple of months ago. I can tell there are some personal issues she is still working out because of it, and I don’t want to push anything too soon. But I have not felt this way about a girl in a long time and don’t want to write her off for something out of her control. I need some advice! — Ted
Dear Ted: I don’t mean to sound like a fortune cookie, but time is your ally. Let things continue on a friendly basis and be whatever kind of friend she needs you to be — which I suspect, for now, is a buddy to lean on. When she is ready, I am guessing your relationship with this woman could blossom into the romance you desire. You are smart to understand that the “issues” confronting her after the suicide of her significant other are significant. You might even suggest a suicide survivors group or a counselor. Such a suggestion coming from you would do two things: show your concern for her, and let her know you are fully aware of the blow she has suffered. Hang in there. — Margo, constructively
Is Fanny-Pinching Foreplay?
Dear Margo: I’m not sure how to start this, but my husband confuses me. We have been together for five years (married almost three), and in that time we’ve had the same argument over and over again about “fulfilling his needs.” I’ve never been a sex kitten and his libido always seems to be in overdrive. When I give in to appease him, he complains that he’s not interested in “mercy sex,” but he’s too impatient to wait until I’m in the mood. He normally ends up frustrated and gives me the silent treatment, while I’ve just become annoyed at this point. I can’t seem to win. I love him dearly and enjoy his company, but sex just doesn’t do much for me, not to mention I have a highly stressful job that leaves me exhausted most of the time. I can’t seem to make things better. I’d rather him be happy and get what he wants, but I just can’t fake it anymore. I’m only 26, so I can’t imagine going through this for years and years to come. He doesn’t see the point in doing “romantic” things like buying me flowers or even trying to seduce me. His idea of foreplay is grabbing my butt while I’m getting food for the dogs. Any suggestions to help me maintain my sanity? Thanks in advance. — Stressed Out
Dear Stress: Oh, my. He sounds like he needs romance lessons, and you need to restore your sex drive. You are too young to be “too tired.” I doubt that you can rewire each other, so your best bet is to see a couple’s counselor or a sex therapist — some neutral party who can explain you to each other and try to get things on track. I think “loving him dearly” and “enjoying his company” are two factors that will help you arrive at a solution, and I’m guessing those feelings are reciprocated. I would urge you not to ignore this situation, because it can be adjusted to your mutual satisfaction. — Margo, restoratively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
