Question: My daughter has recently returned to work and leaves her firstborn, who is 6 months old, with me one day and her friend another day. On the weekends, the baby is with her father. She is a delightful, happy baby who smiles and coos all day. The problem is that the minute she sees her mother at the end of a long day (her mom works a 12-hour shift), she cries hysterically. My daughter’s well-meaning friends say the baby is angry at her for leaving her. Is there any way to help this little baby? Answer: Infants still haven’t developed the ability to make transitions easily, said Craig Brown, a psychologist in private practice on Long Island, N.Y. Every baby is different, and some struggle more with transitions than others, he said.
So, as much as is feasibly possible, try to keep the baby’s environment the same, he recommended. It might be better for the baby to be kept in one home, with the care-givers coming to her house instead of the baby traveling to other people’s homes. That way, when the mother arrives home, the only thing that changes is the caregiver.
“It might ease the baby’s tension while she makes the transition,” Brown said.
The baby then also avoids other kinds of discomforts that come with transitions, such as having to be dressed and undressed from snowsuits or being thrust from the warm house into the cold outside air, he said.
If that’s not possible, establish an arrival routine with the mother, said Wendi Fischer, a psychologist in private practice on Long Island. While the mother is probably tired after her shift, if she can muster the energy to do some bonding with the baby when she picks her up, such as giving the baby a warm bath, this might comfort the child.
Even though it’s a relief for the mother to come home and all the baby-care chores are done, it might be worth reserving something for her to do with her baby. “The cozier the better,” Fischer said.
The crying reaction is a normal reaction to seeing the mother, several experts said. “When they’re that young, they don’t have words,” said Christina Bellini-Zaher, director of the Therapy Center for Children in Patchogue, N.Y. Once they see the mother, they are crying to express, “I want my mother. I want to be with her,” she said. As long as the baby is soothed and able to be comforted by the mother, it’s not a cause for major concern, she said.
“Nothing I know of says that a baby would be holding a grudge,” Fischer agreed.
It’s normal to expect that the baby might be more clingy to the mother than the other caregivers during the days she is with her. This is true even with babies who are with their mothers full time. Many moms complain they can’t even run to the bathroom without the baby bursting into tears.
“The baby recognizes her as the primary caregiver,” Brown said.
“At six months, it’s not such a terrible thing to have the mother as close to the baby as possible as often as possible.”
