Dear Amy: I am 30, and my boyfriend is 32. We have been together for eight months. We are looking at this relationship as one that will lead to marriage.
He was laid off at the beginning of the month. His response to this event has left me confused and disheartened. This was his first job out of college, and someone who knew his family hired him without an interview. He rose steadily in the company, almost effortlessly, and he deserved it — he is brilliant. Since the layoff, he has not completed his resume, has not contacted people in his industry for leads (though he knows quite a few people), and although he has listings on a few online job sites, he has not followed up on promising postings.
For now he has his severance and an agreement with his former employer to be a subcontractor for another month or two.
He agrees that he needs to do more, acknowledges that as time passes he is more anxious, and has promised to ramp up his efforts, but he always has an excuse for not actually getting things done. I’ve sent him information for work in his field, have offered to help send resumes or do anything else that might help to make it a less daunting task.
I know that it’s his life, but what else can I do to help? He is a loving, supportive, caring man. I don’t want to walk away from this relationship, but I can’t see myself with someone who is so unwilling to help himself.
Is there anything more that I can do or say? — Anxious Girlfriend
Dear Anxious: The next thing you need to do is less. Much, much less.
This will be very challenging for you. You seem like a very high-functioning, caring and capable person, and your guy is foundering.
If he is paralyzed, your pushing him will not help. Prodding can make paralysis worse because it is perceived as pressure.
You should convey a version of the following: “I believe in you. I know this is hard, but I also know you can do it. I’m going to do you a favor and let you do whatever you need to do. I hope you’ll tell me if I can help you; otherwise, I’m going to step back.”
Then you should back off (from his job search, not the relationship). Your boyfriend might spend his days in his jammies eating Cheerios out of the box. When he sees the end of income looming, he may get it together.
This is a test of his character — not yours.
Dear Amy: I used to tell my son that he’d never get a girlfriend because he shoveled his food into his mouth in great wads. He wouldn’t change, despite my pleadings. He proved me wrong! His girlfriend is even worse than he is! She chews with her mouth open and makes loud, smacking sounds.
What can I do to make meal times with them bearable, besides avert my eyes and tune out my hearing? — Mannered Mom
Dear Mom: Unfortunately, loud chewers have the sound filling their own heads and may not be aware of how unappetizing it is — or they simply don’t care. You’ve already tried to save other people from your son’s habits, but then he found someone who is as unappetizing as he. I can only suggest that you say to these two when you’re eating together, “Guys, I really can’t stand to see your food and hear you chewing while I’m trying to eat. Can you masticate quietly?”
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