No shirts, no shoes, no notes. . . .
Down there in the fine print of the should-he-Jay-or- should-he-go debate: The average NFL defense allowed 22 points a game last season. In Jay Cutler’s 13 career starts in which the Broncos allowed 22 or fewer, they’re 12-1. In other words, if he has an average defense on his side, the kid’s money. . . .
On the off chance your 401(k) statement isn’t lining the bird cage, Cutler’s mansion in Parker is available for seven figures. I’m hearing the joint comes complete with a pool, sun room, wine cellar and complaint department. . . .
Luke McCown, telling the St. Petersburg Times that the Bucs don’t need to pursue the Jay of Sunshine: “I have an opportunity to prove that I’m the franchise guy they’re looking for.” Let me guess. The reality check got lost in the mail. . . .
So now, in the hypothetical/theoretical world, Cutler is gone and the immortal, Canton-bound Chris Simms is the Broncos’ starting quarterback. The immortal, Canton- bound, left-handed Chris Simms, that is. Anybody happen to remember that Mike Shanahan just spent a fortune on a left tackle to protect a right-handed QB’s blind side? . . .
Ex-Bronco Karl Paymah, talking to reporters after signing with the Vikings: “They need another fast cover corner, and that’s what I bring to the table. They need someone who can tackle on special teams, and that’s what I do, too.” Imagine that, a Bronco tackling somebody on special teams. . . .
According to Correll Buckhalter’s agent, that Philly drug dealer pulled Buckhalter’s name out of the sky when he exposed some of his clientele in court. Six million people in metro Philly and the dude fingers poor Correll. What were the odds? . . .
Today, today, today, I consider myself, self, self, the smartest hoops prognosticator on the face of the Earth. Why? Because I filled out four of five brackets and had Western Kentucky beating Illinois in every one. As for the rest of my brackets, how about that spring weather? . . .
By the way, Joyce in accounting, who hasn’t seen a hoops game since they took down the peach baskets, says Pitt is the team to beat. Why? Because her aunt Phyllis lives in Pittsburgh. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our defending office-pool champion. . . .
Eight goals? In one game? At home? Two words, Avs: Mannequin up. . . .
Predraft tip for fantasy leaguers near ‘n’ far: A couple of Rockies hitters will have career years. How do we know? Because Don Baylor, one of the greatest hitting coaches ever, is hanging around the cage. . . .
Need that piano in the corner moved? Dan O’Dowd has you covered. The Rockies led the league with 141 stolen bases last season, but long-gone Willy Taveras and Matt Holliday had 96 of ’em. Willy T and Matt the D (Distraction, if you buy the spin) were a combined 96-for- 105. The rest of the roster stole 45 bags and was thrown out 28 times. . . .
Do not attempt this at home: Taveras in his final season at Coors Canaveral had a higher on-base percentage (.308) than slugging percentage (.296). . . .
Shannon Sharpe tells Page 2 he’s OK with not being a first-ballot Hall of Famer, an honor never accorded a tight end. The litmus tests comes when K.C.’s Tony Gonzalez is eligible. Says Sharpie: “I want to see the tight end who gets in on the first ballot. I hope I’m alive to see it. If it’s just numbers, Tony’s got the numbers. But he’s never played in the Super Bowl. Every big game he’s played in, he lost all of them.” . . .
They say it’s your birthday: Vikings superstar Adrian Peterson (24), kickball legend Ronaldinho (29), “League of Their Own” third-sacker Rosie O’Donnell (47) and Shawon “What, me take a walk?” Dunston (46). . . .
And finally, Rafael Palmeiro asked me to tell you that he still has never used steroids, period.
Jim Armstrong: 303-954-1269 or jmarmstrong@denverpost.com
Please, A-Rod, spare us the Details
OK, Bronco Nation, so the quarterback is moping and having a bad hair life. Look at the bright side. At least we don’t have a third baseman around here kissing himself in a mirror in Details magazine.
Quick, somebody pass A-Rod the quiche.
What’s the drill with this guy? According to the New York Post, A-Rod did the photo shoot after a Sports Illustrated story that nailed him for playing with needles. So much for low profiling it. What’s next, a fig-leaf spread in Cosmo?
As for his relationship with Madonna, Mr. Oh-fer-October tells the magazine, “Well, we’re friends. She’s an amazing entertainer.”
Can’t wait to see how this one plays out the next time A-Rod hits Fenway Park.
Fire fearless predictions
Unemployment is rampant, the bear is eating Wall Street’s lunch and half the houses on your block are for sale. What to do? What else? Hand millions in bonuses to the suits at AIG, courtesy of the American taxpayers. Here are five things we ought to make those yahoos do before pocketing the cash:
5. Buy Clippers season tickets.
4. Inherit Don Cherry’s sportscoats, the ones Matthew Lesko wouldn’t be caught dead wearing.
3. Get a facelift from Jerry Jones’ plastic surgeon, hold the anesthetics.
2. Distribute thousands of those $2,500-a-game Yankees tickets to the homeless in the Bronx.
1. Meet disgraced NBA ref Tim Donaghy’s roommate, Bubba.
