Dear Amy: When I was growing up, my mom was never a big part of my life. Dad was nurturing.
When I was 13, they divorced, and my siblings and I spent a lot of time at dad’s house. The thought of being with mom and her “boyfriend” turned my stomach. I rarely spoke to my mother.
Flash forward 12 years: Mom is married to her “boyfriend.” Dad is married to a widow, and I am married and have two children under the age of four.
I forgave my mom and she is now my best friend. We spend a lot of time together both with and without her husband.
Now my problem is my father’s wife. She is always in the picture! When he visits us, his wife always comes along and she brings gifts for my kids. She also gives them small gifts when we visit.
I would like to tell her the best gift she could give them is to find something else to do when we are around, so my children and I could have some quality time with my dad.
I am insisting that my kids call these stepparents by their first names and not a “grandparent” name because I do not want my children to think they have six grandparents. But now my dad’s wife acts like a grandparent. My dad tells me I am selfish and rude for wanting his wife to be in the background.
I’d like to ask her in a nice way to please give our family space. — Jessica
Dear Jessica: Your stepmother sounds quite wicked indeed. She has a lot of nerve treating your children so well.
I have news for you: Your kids do have six grandparents, and your attitude toward your parents’ spouses is rude and selfish. Your children are blessed with the best gift life can offer them: a multitude of people to shower them with love and affection.
I assume that you were so hurt by your parents’ behavior during your childhood that you are stuck in the emotions of adolescence. But now that your parents are married to other people, they have every right to expect that you will fold these people into your family and accord them “full” status.
You can have your kids call other adults whatever you like, but there is no nice way to tell someone you’d prefer she stay in the background of their lives.
Dear Amy: I am a 22-year- old woman working retail at a large store. Recently, I became involved with a male co-worker. He’s several years older than me and has a young daughter. He has always been very sweet to me and has invited me over many times to spend time with him and his daughter.
I recently discovered that he’s also been spending time with another woman we work with, I’ve seen them out together.
I feel quite foolish and a little upset that I let myself get involved emotionally with him now that I see what he’s doing. I don’t wish to continue this cycle of flirting and hanging out anymore. I realize I’ve made a huge mistake. How can I tactfully let him know it’s over without making a huge problem at work? — Flavor of the Week
Dear Flavor: It’s called “having other plans.” Say, “Thank you so much for asking me to hang out but I have other plans.” If your co-worker presses his case, tell him you’d like to keep things professional.
Dear Amy: My husband and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary in September. Our plan is to have a small reception with a few friends and family at a local restaurant. What can we put on the invitations to say we don’t want any gifts? — Worried
Dear Worried: Strictly speaking, gifts should not be mentioned on invitations. Also, people don’t always respect the “no gifts” request.
You might give guests a focus by conveying, “In lieu of other gifts, we’d be honored if you chose to make a donation to the charity of your choice.”
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
