Dear Amy: I’m a third-year college student in a serious relationship.
My boyfriend is wonderful for the most part, but I feel there are certain things that he does that bother me.
I was always taught to tell someone when you don’t like what they are doing, and that’s what I find myself doing a lot with him. He wasn’t raised that way. He was raised to keep his mouth shut and deal with it.
So when I tell him about things that he does that bothers me, he gets extremely upset and thinks that I hate him and I’m always having a problem with him. What should I do? — Ungrateful Girlfriend
Dear Ungrateful: What if your boyfriend said to you, “It really bothers me when you tell me things I do that bother you.”
Would that statement satisfy your desire to always state what’s bothering you — and would it get you to at least modify your behavior?
Because when your boyfriend gets upset, he is telling you what bothers him. You just don’t seem to like it.
In a loving relationship, stating your needs, likes and dislikes is a dance. I agree with you that it is important to air concerns or issues, and sometimes even petty annoyances are easily dealt with as long as the other person knows what the stakes are (sometimes the stakes are low, and if so, that should be clarified).
But there are times in a serious relationship where you just have to take the long view and realize that if you complain regularly, at some point your annoyances aren’t as important as the fact that you’re annoying.
Your boyfriend takes your complaints very much to heart. You should always be proportional when you state your annoyances and you should do so lovingly.
In my household, complaints are often turned inside out and prefaced with, “Can I make a suggestion?”
I find this exceedingly annoying, but it also seems to get the job done.
Dear Amy: Some time back, “Worried” wrote to you, concerned about a woman in her yoga class who has an irregular mole. Worried wondered if she should say something.
I attend the gym regularly and was stopped by a woman, after class, who pointed out a mole on my leg. I was aware of the mole and even asked my general practitioner about it.
He simply asked if the mole had changed. I didn’t believe it had and so I blew it off. She told me to see a dermatologist and gave me a story about another woman who found out hers was skin cancer. I went home a bit annoyed, but I couldn’t get her words out of my head and finally made an appointment.
The result was Level 4 melanoma. I was stunned and scared. I had the mole removed along with a few lymph nodes to ensure they were cancer-free and consider that woman in the gym my guardian angel.
I haven’t seen her since and keep looking for her to thank her for saving my life. — Brenda
Dear Brenda: Other readers have sent in similar stories. I agree that when there is something obviously amiss, a stranger can comment — as long as she understands her comment might not be appreciated at the time.
Dear Amy: I loved your answer to “Disgusted” regarding when it is appropriate (or not appropriate) to undress in front of a child.
When my son was 9, we went boating with some Swedish friends in the Mediterranean. One morning, our adult friend, “Sven” was taking a shower on deck — naked. My son looked shocked and whispered to me, “Mom, Sven is naked?”
Sven, the father of four children (who were also on board) had this to say: “Sam, in Sweden it is not impolite to be naked; it is impolite to notice.” — Not Disgusted
Dear Not: This is perfect; I love it.
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